Fez: Did you know that I am a shampoo boy down at the beauty salon? Yes, ladies come from miles around to be touched by these magic hands.
Angie Barnett: Is that why they're all dry and chapped?
Fez: No. That's from my day off.

Donna: Fez, come on. Just tell us what Eric's up to.
Fez: Donna, if I learned anything from all my years as a virgin... It's that seeing it is much better than talking about it.

Kelso: Hey, thanks for coming down to meet my sister, man. I had dinner with her and my dad last night. And it was the first family dinner I'd ever been to where we didn't have to sneak out of the restaurant one at a time.
Donna: Man, Hyde, first a new dad, now a new sister? It's like you hit the orphan lottery.
Fez: Look, your dad's got a whole jar of Peppermint Patties. [laughs] That's class, baby.
Eric: That's nothing, you guys. I found 20 bucks just sitting on the desk, and I kind of want to steal it. Wow. I'm really starting to see the underbelly of not having a job.
Kelso: Check it out, Hyde. Your dad knows Skynyrd. I heard when you first meet them, if you just yell "Free Bird" really loud, they'll start playing it.

William Barnett: Ah, Angie, meet your new brother's friends... They're scruffy, but they don't seem to be dangerous.
Hyde: Hey, guys, check it out... Family 'fro.
Angie Barnett: I know you're thinking, what are the odds that Steven would have a previously unknown black half-sister? Well, I'll tell you... 2,437:1. I'm a math major.
Kelso: A math major? Awesome. I need some help building a homemade rocket. And we also need a hamster that's not afraid of heights or being blown up.
Angie Barnett: You must be Kelso.
Kelso: Yeah, I am. Boy, am I glad you showed up. It's a lot of pressure being the only good-looking one in the room.
Jackie: Michael, that is so rude. You know there's two of us.
Angie Barnett: And that makes you Jackie.
Jackie: That's right. Hi. Ok, so let me bring you up to speed on the group. Too skinny, too tall, too horny, too foreign, too-rific.

Kelso: What are you doing? You knew I was gonna take that one.
Jackie: Oh, well, too late.
Kelso: You know what? You're always doing that. That is the reason why we broke up.
Jackie: We broke up because you were always cheating on me.
Kelso: That and the cupcake thing.

Hyde: Oh, believe me, this is the easiest job I've ever had.
Kelso: Wait. What about the time you got paid 2 bucks to eat everything out of Forman's fridge and then you threw it up all over the place?
Hyde: That was you.
Kelso: Oh, yeah. [laughs] That was awesome.

Kitty: Okay, Fez... Give me the gossip.
Fez: Is that glitter in your hair? Are you making me a pinata?
Kitty: No. I was working on a new outfit for Eric to wear at the roller disco.
Fez: Roller disco? Eric is into roller disco?
Kitty: Uh-oh.
Fez: I'm sorry. We're gonna have to reschedule 'cause I have to go spread this embarrassing news.
Kitty: You can't tell anyone. I promised Eric I'd keep it a secret. Besides, you used to roller disco with Jackie.
Fez: Sure, when I was a child. But I'm a man now. I moved on to robot dancing.

Kitty: There's my little roller disco king.
Eric: Mom! Shh. Look, at any given moment, there are at least three kids in this house who would use that information to destroy me. We have to keep it our secret.
Kitty: Well, I was just reading the bible... And it says that keeping secrets is a sin. It goes lust, gluttony, sloth, keeping secrets.
Eric: Mom, we don't even have a bible. Remember last Christmas you spilled peppermint schnapps all over it?
Kitty: Honey, just share your secret. People are gonna find out eventually, because that is a surprisingly difficult thing to keep secret.
Eric: Okay, I don't know if you know this about me, but I already take quite a bit of crap just walking around being regular me. So, no, I'm not gonna tell anybody.
Kitty: Do you want me to tell them?
Eric: No.
Kitty: Yes?
Eric: No. I'll think about it, okay? Maybe there's a way I can kind of feel everybody out.
Kitty: Good. [chuckles] And, by the way, I did not spill peppermint schnapps on the bible. It was sambuca. I am not trailer trash.

Fez: I know something you don't know.
Donna: Fez, you know a lot of things I don't know, mostly because they're disgusting and I don't want to know them.
Fez: True, but this is about Eric. What do you think he's doing every Wednesday night when he's not with you?
Donna: He's taking an at-home Spanish course. He doesn't want to be disturbed, so he locks himself in his room. You know, I think he's self-conscious because he can't roll his Rs.
Fez: Oh, believe me, Donna, he is rolling his ass off.
Donna: Okay, Fez, what's going on? Is there another woman?
Fez: Yes. And it's Eric.

Hyde: Angie totally set me up, man. I should have seen this coming when I found out she was a math major. Those girls are always bitches.
Kelso: You know what your problem is, Hyde? I'm too good-looking.