Jeff: Thank you all for coming in early. Uh, there's been an unfortunate incident we need to discuss.
Mateo: What's that in your ear?
Jeff: Nothing. I got it pierced. No big deal.
Garrett: Oh, wait, hold up. What are we working with here? Is that a... a snake or a lightning bolt?
Jeff: This is not what I'm here... It's a guitar. An electric guitar.

Jeff: Anyway, Roger from the café, as most of you may have heard, has been let go, uh, for releasing a Facebook video in which he was behaving in a manner that Cloud 9 does not condone.
Dina: Just say it. He farted in the cups.
Garrett: We all saw the video.
Marcus: What? I didn't see it.
Jonah: It's been taken down.
Jeff: Guys...
Garrett: I saved it. I'll send it to you.
Marcus: Thanks, man.

Jeff: I think the lesson here is be careful what you post on social media.
Amy: Um, shouldn't the lesson be: don't fart in cups?
Jeff: Yes. In a perfect world, people wouldn't fart in cups, but we live in the real world.
Kelly: Um, when you say "be careful," what are we not allowed to post? Because I do a lot of Instagram videos and they can be pretty edgy.
Jeff: Do you fart in cups?
Kelly: No.
Jeff: Then I think we're pretty good.

Dina: You know what? I'm gonna take a look at everybody's social media, make sure everything's above board.
Jeff: No, uh, that's not necessary. Everybody here can self-police.
Dina: Uh, why self-police when you can have actual police?

Kelly: [on video] Hey, guys. It's your girl, Kelly. Check out how many balloons this guy is buying.
Amy: What are you guys watching?
Marcus: Kelly's Instagram videos. They're adorable.
Kelly: [on video] It better be somebody's birthday!
Marcus: Too funny.
Amy: But it probably was someone's birthday.
Marcus: I know, right? She nailed it.
Amy: Okay, is the joke that it's so boring, or...

Glenn: I don't understand this. I sent out a mass email to all our rewards customers, you know, to apologize for... the attack on the cups, and look!
Garrett: "Dear, valued customer, when humans eat food, it's processed in the intestines, producing gas." Wow, you really took it from the top.
Glenn: Yeah, of course. But then look. A huge number of these things bounced back, and that makes me worried that it's either Russian hackers...
Garrett: Could be them. That's their style.
Glenn: Or I picked up a virus looking at those baptism videos, maybe.
Garrett: That's where they are.
Glenn: Or... An employee's inventing fake customers.

Glenn: Well, because you get a dollar for every rewards card that you sign up.
Garrett: What? You get a dollar per Blue Card? Since when?
Glenn: Since always. You know, so theoretically, employees could just fill out a bunch of fake forms and over time, it... God, that would really add up.
Garrett: That's... Something I can't believe people haven't been doing the entire time.
Glenn: Yeah. It'd be almost impossible to trace.
Garrett: I get it.
Glenn: Except... Almost all of these customers were signed up by the same employee.
Garrett: Really? Who?

Jonah: You know what? You're just jealous.
Amy: Uh, someone's flattering himself.
Jonah: No, I meant jealous that everybody loves her videos.
Amy: Yeah, I know that's what you meant. And why would I be jealous of her videos? Oh, she filmed herself microwaving ramen and she got 100 people to view it. Yeah, she's Sofia Coppola.
Jonah: You couldn't do it.
Amy: Please. You could get 100 people to watch anything.
Jonah: Fine. Then do it. 100 views by the end of the day... loser has to clean the rat traps.
Amy: Okay, well then, you're on, and I hope you like dead rats.
Jonah: I hope you like failure.
Amy: I hope you like... Me winning bets.
Jonah: Sick burn.
Amy: Shut up!

Amy: [recording] Hi! It's Cloud9 Amy! Comin' at you from Cloud 9... in St. Louis, Missouri, between aisles seven and eight. Oh, look! It's a two-for-one sale! How come you never hear of one-for-two? Oh, probably because no one would ever pay twice as much. All right, that is bad. Can you please not watch me?
Jonah: How could I not? It's riveting.
Amy: [recording] Hi! It's Cloud 9 Amy!

Dina: Man, Facebook is a bust. It's all baby photos and quizzes about which Longmire character you are.
Cheyenne: Cool. Then I guess we can stop?