Jonah: I'm sure it's her.
Dina: Well, there's definite similarities. Slightly different BMis, but she could be on one of those crash diets.
Jonah: So what do we do next? Do we... Do we call the cops? Do we bust her ourselves?
Dina: Easy, Cagney. We have to catch her in the act. Now, I'd have my plainclothes guy tail her, but Tuesday's his day off. Ah, I wonder what he wears on his day off. Fancy clothes probably.

Garrett: What's wrong with him?
Cheyenne: Well, it's because of a reason that I... I can't tell you.
Garrett: Hmm, I actually don't care, so...
Cheyenne: Mateo's the one dating Jeff, okay? And Sandra is just making it up to get attention.
Garrett: So Sandra has a fake boyfriend, she sent herself flowers, and Mateo is dating Jeff?
Cheyenne: Yeah.
Garrett: This a quality Tuesday.

Sandra: [laughs] This is so embarrassing. I always tell him, "Jeff, you're gift enough for me," but he won't listen.
Garrett: I'm not much of a romantic, but this is special stuff.
Mateo: Whatever. Do you know how many babies choke on balloons and die every year? I don't know, but it seems like a few would.
Garrett: I'm just happy for Sandra. I mean, can you imagine what it's like to have what she has? I mean, just to have a connection like that with someone. I bet Jeff just loves it.
Mateo: 30. 30 babies die.

Amy: No, no, no, no. I'm not blaming anyone. I'm just saying that maybe he wasn't harassing you. It is a very nice sweater.
Man: It shouldn't matter what she's wearing.
Amy: I'm sorry. Who asked you to get involved?
Man: Sexual harassment involves us all.
Amy: Okay, this isn't sexual... Okay, I was just trying to set her up for a date.
Woman: Intent is irrelevant.
Amy: Seriously, who are you people?
Woman: Oh, we're not together.
Man: Oh, oh, 'cause a woman couldn't possible be out on her own without a big, strong man, 'cause then she'd be a slut!
Amy: Okay, none of you know the story. She asked me to set her up, so I set her up. She was asking me for it. She asked for it. [both gasp]

Jeff: Let's just say that if you ask somebody out, and they say no, move on.
Marcus: What if she just says no because she has plans that night? Can you ask her out again for a different night?
Jeff: Umm. I guess. I mean, it depends. Does she really have plans, or is she politely telling you she's not interested?
Marcus: [snaps fingers] Which one is it, Sarah?
Sarah: It's the second one.
Marcus: Whatever. I was just asking as a joke anyway.

Glenn: Sometimes people do change their minds. I mean, I met Jerusha when we were both working at my father's hardware store. I asked her out every day for a year, and then she said yes.
All: Aww.
Jeff: Okay, actually, that's called a systemic pattern of hostility. It's, like, the number one thing you can't do.

Jeff: Are you angry at me? 'Cause I'm not ignoring you. I just don't think everybody at work needs to know you're my boyfriend.
Mateo: Boyfriend?
Jeff: Yeah.
Mateo: I'm your boyfriend?
Jeff: Yeah.
Mateo: Oh, you've never called me that before. [they kiss] Boyfriend is way better than the keychain.
Jeff: So what did you get me?
Mateo: I'm sorry. I've been dealing with a lot of drama today.

Jonah: This makes me genuinely sad.
Amy: Flash mob proposals are so lame. Except for the one that Bo did for you. That was unique and very cool.
Jonah: Yeah.
Cheyenne: Yeah, but flash mobs stopped being cool, like, a year ago.
Jonah: Yeah, they were cool one year ago.

Glenn: Where's Lisa? We need Lisa.
Mateo: Where the [bleep] is Lisa?
Dina: She's in the bathroom.
Garrett: [over PA] Is it a quick bathroom break or more of a hunker-down-watch YouTube-videos situation?
Dina: Hard to say. Her body language going in... Oh, wait, here she comes.

Amy: And I don't think that it's a good idea to go setting people up around work.
Glenn: Are you down on love because of your bad marriage?
Amy: No, I just don't think people come here to find love. This is a workplace, not Match.com.
Glenn: What's Match.com?
Amy: It's like Christian Mingle, but for everyone.
Glenn: Oh! That is such a good idea.