Glenn: You're Sandra's maid of honor, right? I mean, how well do you know her and Jerry as a couple?
Dina: Not much to know. They're two people who look alike that are getting married, end of story.
Glenn: That's what I'm worried about, the more time I spend with them, the more I'm starting to think that they're each just marrying the first person who was nice to them.
Dina: Eh, so what? You're an officiant, not a marriage counselor.
Glenn: I'm not just gonna marry two people who don't know each other. I took an oath for my ordination. I ticked a box and clicked next.
Dina: You know, at this point, I think all we should be worried about is keeping them from having kids.

Mateo: No, you don't get a gift card for every stupid little Army Man.
Kyle: Stupid little Army Man? Wow! This guy does not support our troops!
Mateo: No, no! I support the troops. Ah... Especially the American ones.

Dina: Save it. I'm not here to donate. My manager informed me that you may be in violation of our solicitor guidelines.
Kyle: Oh, I am very familiar with your guidelines. No signage larger than 11x18. I am 10 feet from the entrance. And a certificate from my organization, which I've had notarized just in case.
Dina: Ooh, notarized. You mind if I touch the seal?
Kyle: Please, that's what it's there for. [Dina whistles] Mm-hmm, you're telling me.
Dina: Huh, okay, well, you don't appear to be in any dress code violation, no gang colors, no visible swastifications, and I see you've got multiple layers in case of a temperature swing.
Kyle: Oh, well, yeah, you know, St. Louis. If you don't like the weather, wait five minutes.
Dina: [laughs] Nice. "Wait five minutes." Yeah, that's well put. It's true. It's a true thing. You know what? [donates]
Kyle: Wow, thank you so much.
Dina: I have really good vision. I find, like, $8 a day. It's no big deal. "Wait five minutes." [chuckles]

Glenn: So I got us a little privacy. Okay, Sandra, I want you to take a good, long look at Jerry, then close your eyes and imagine he's dead.
Sandra: Aww.
Jerry: I'm okay, Sandra.
Glenn: No, you're not. You're dead. Now, imagine that you're talking to someone who never met Jerry. How would you describe him?
Sandra: Um, he was...
Glenn: And you can't say nice.
Sandra: Asian American?

Mateo: It is my honor to provide these toys to your tots on behalf of myself and my love of country. When I first came to America, I... [phone rings] Forgot to silence my phone. We should just take it from the top. Amy, how's my hair?
Amy: I'm not brushing it again.
Man: Sorry, I should really get going.
Jonah: It's fine, I'll just piece together something from what we already have. For me, editing is the final stage of the writing process.

Man: Excuse me, where do you keep your Transformers?
Mateo: The toy section right over there.
Amy: Oh, and while you're over there, maybe consider buying a toy you can donate to our toy drive.
Man: Oh, I would, but I already donated to the St. Louis Samaritans guy out front.
Amy: What? The Samaritans are here?
Man: Yeah, and I already gave and posted about it. It'd be weird to do another post for this.
Jonah: Couldn't you just donate and not post?
Man: So, like, you would post it and then tag me, or...
Jonah: Or you'd just be helping some underprivileged kids.
Man: And they'd post it? Do they have phones?
Amy: Okay, the toys are back there and to the left.

Mateo: That's why we're not getting any donations. The Samaritans are out there sucking up all the guilty consciences.
Amy: You know, technically, they need my permission to be here.
Jonah: Yeah, how dare they try to help people without your permission?
Amy: Exactly, this isn't a charity free-for-all, although I do like the Samaritans. They do great work. I'm a fan, really.
Mateo: Oh, just kick them out already.
Amy: Yep, Yep, they gotta go.

Jonah: He called you a bad manager just because you asked him to come back another day?
Amy: Mm-hmm.
Mateo: So why'd you let him stay?
Amy: Well, I mean, you know, even though he's in the wrong. I mean, obviously just a maniac, it just kinda seemed like bad karma to kick out the Samaritans. It's gonna be fine. We just have to find a way to get customers excited about donating.
Jonah: Maybe we should humanize it. You know, you could connect with people. You could tell 'em your story.
Mateo: Talk to the customers? Gross.
Amy: Yeah, he's been through enough.

Jonah: Wow, that guy... I was seriously thinking about punching him for you.
Mateo: Aw, Jonah, no one believes that.

Mateo: From the bottom of my heart, thank you for your donation. This toy will go to a child who will cherish it...
Woman: Yeah, cool, give me the gift card.
Jonah: [stops recording] Well, probably won't end up using that one, but the gift cards are a great idea. Our customers go insane when they hear the word "free."
Amy: Yeah, don't you remember when we gave pretzels away for Oktoberfest? They came from out of state.