Dina: You don't even have to give money to make a difference. I donate my hair to chemo patients.
Cheyenne: Don't you have to grow your hair really long?
Dina: No, anytime I get a trim, I just sweep it into an envelope and mail it to the hospital.
Amy: You send them tiny bits of your hair? What do they do with that?
Dina: Whatever they want, Amy. It's their hair now.
Glenn: Aww.

Garrett: [over PA] Attention, Cloud 9 shoppers, this week, enjoy 20% off our nontoxic, organic cotton pillows. Also enjoy wondering what we put in the other pillows.

Amy: What kind of organization hires a guy like that anyway? I mean, I bet this whole Samaritans thing is just a big scam.
Cheyenne: Yeah, like those charities that send someone a cow in a third world country and then it just ends up taking a bite out of their TV and, like, hogging the shower and stuff.
Jonah: Was that... Are you thinking of a cartoon?

Mateo: [recording] If there's one thing people say about me, it's that I'm obsessed with serving the community. When we open our hearts to giving, we lift each other up.
Justine: Hey, Mateo, can I have my charger back?
Mateo: Oh, my God, Justine, I am in the middle of something, dummy. Ugh, God. Should I start over?
Jonah: Probably, although that was our best take so far.
Amy: And again, Mateo, we want the judge to see you as a humanitarian, so maybe it doesn't help if you keep calling people dummies and human toilets.
Mateo: Well, I can't control who enters the shot, Amy.

Jonah: Okay, let's just take it from the top.
Mateo: [recording] Hi, I'm Mateo Liwanag, American, influencer, philanthropist, and I'm truly honored to be serving the community by running a toy drive for a charity that's near and dear to my heart.
Amy: River City Happy Tots.
Mateo: Tots? I mean, are we even allowed to call them that?
Jonah: I don't think the kids care.
Mateo: Oh, kids. [chuckles] I thought you meant tots like little people.
Amy: You can just edit that out, right?
Jonah: Oh, yeah, I didn't even press record this time.

Cheyenne: I'm sorry, Garrett, but she ghosted you.
Garrett: What? No she didn't.
Cheyenne: Look at all those unanswered texts. Trust me. You know how, like, sometimes, you have a fish, but then, like, you decide that you don't want a fish anymore, so you just stop feeding it and put it in the closet? That's what she's doing to you.
Garrett: No, things are good. I mean, she had to reschedule our last date because her aunt got sick, and so I just figure she's busy dealing with that right now.
Cheyenne: Oh, Garrett. Girls never have aunts.

Justine: You know what's a scam? Those hot Marines on Facebook. Don't send them money till you have the nudes.
Amy: That's good advice.

Garrett: So I just got off the phone with Colleen. The friendly non-ghost, and guess what? She never even got my texts because her phone was in her car and her car got towed.
Cheyenne: Oh.
Garrett: And when she finally got her phone back, it didn't work 'cause it had overheated.
Cheyenne: Oh, that sucks.
Garrett: No, no, it's true because of the windows. Like the greenhouse effect? Oh, okay, so now you're saying Colleen made up the greenhouse effect? Uh, hello, climatologists? My coworker thinks my girlfriend made up the greenhouse effect. What's that? It's established science? Oh, okay. Turns out, it's science, so...
Cheyenne: Cool.
Garrett: No, don't use that tone. It's true, okay? We're good. She just has to go out of town for a minute because her dad's in a play, but she's gonna reach out as soon as she gets back.
Cheyenne: Great, that's awesome.
Garrett: Stop it, I can tell you don't believe it.
Cheyenne: Why wouldn't I believe it?
Garrett: 'Cause it's highly improbable!

Dina: Is this still going on? It is not that hard. What do you like most about Jerry?
Sandra: I mean...
Dina: Come on, out with it.
Sandra: I...
Dina: Let's go, now! Now, yes, words! Now, speak, go!
Sandra: I really enjoy Jerry's body. And how it responds to my touch.
Dina: Okay. Now we're getting somewhere. Glenn, take this down. Sandra, keep going. Jesus, do I have to do everything? [exits]
Glenn: Okay, I don't think that's...
Sandra: He just really knows where to kiss soft and where to kiss hard.
Jerry: I had a great teacher.
Glenn: Dina!

Sandra: But since we didn't have a full-length mirror, we just watched ourselves in a big sheet of tinfoil.
Jerry: I felt like a movie star.
Glenn: Okay, again, could we talk about things outside the bedroom?
Sandra: Um, well, I like when Jerry cooks me my favorite meal.
Jerry: Noodles.
Glenn: Well, that's nice.
Sandra: And he does the dishes. Once I walked up behind him, and I said, "I think there's one dish you're forgetting, and it's very dirty."