Garrett: $8 for a bar of soap just 'cause it's shaped weird and wrapped in twine?
Jonah: Well, it's artisanal. It's organic.
Garrett: [sniffs] [scoffs] Ugh. I don't need my soap to be organic. We have science now. Science has created chemicals that keep us clean.

Amy: Okay, so in the first four hours, you've managed to commit us to $37,000.
Jonah: The claims just kept coming, and, you know, it's like that opening in Star Wars where the words zoom past you. And at first it's cool, but eventually you just can't keep up.
Amy: Wait, Sandra alone has asthma, rheumatoid arthritis, sciatica, fibromyalgia, leaky gut syndrome... This just keeps going.
Jonah: We just got to keep signing people up. That's all, okay? If we get everybody in the backroom to sign up then that will pay for these people. And then we can go to other branches and then that will pay for the backroom...
Amy: [gasps] This is a pyramid scheme.

Jonah: Not to put my head in the lion's mouth, but now I'm thinking Times New Roman.
Amy: [sighs] Times New Roman would be a fine font, Jonah, and so would Helvetica and Garamond, and really any font would be just fine.
Jonah: Not Wingdings.
Amy: No one was suggesting Wingdings.

Jonah: Look, all I'm saying is with a little effort it's not that hard to get people to like you.
Dina: I really don't care if people like me.
Jonah: Okay, but... don't you find it hard being a boss to people... that resent you? [employees snicker]
Dina: You do raise a good point.
Jonah: Yeah.
Dina: I watch a lot of Dog Whisperer DVDs and it's always easier to train a bitch who enjoys your scent.
Jonah: That's exactly what I meant.

Mateo: Why would anybody be attracted to Jonah? He looks like a villain on the CW.

Jonah: So... retirement, huh? Got any big plans?
Glenn: Yeah, I think I might finally watch The Queen's Gambit.
Jonah: Okay, so that's... seven episodes. What else?
Glenn: Well, I hadn't really thought much beyond that. Gosh, I guess there's gonna be a lot of hours to fill, huh?
Jonah: Yeah, yeah, but that's a good thing, right, Glenn? I mean, I'm sure you've got hobbies.
Glenn: No, 'cause work is all I've ever known, Jonah. I mean, I started at my dad's hardware store when I was eight, and before that, I worked at the tollbooth.
Jonah: Glenn, I'm sure you're gonna be fine. I- There's gotta be something that you can do.
Glenn: Well, what if I got a 500 piece puzzle? That'd take up some time, right?
Jonah: Some.
Glenn: What, you want me to get a 1,000 piece puzzle? How much table space do you think I have, Jonah?

Jonah: Okay, I think I have a lead, but it's a long shot. Amy's cousin's ex is following one of "Scott McPhee's" favorite... influencers.
Sandra: Oh, Emma just posted.
Jonah: What? What's it say? What's it say? What's it say? "Having a great time in the snow with my mom and little bro. #FamilyTrip, #HighlnTheMountains."
Sandra: Oh, my God. She's just with Emma and Parker. She's still single. [sighs] Wow. That was scary. [laughs] Look at my hand.
Jonah: Yeah, although I am concerned about #HighlnTheMountains. Do you think Emma's smoking pot again?
Sandra: Who cares? What matters is that Amy's single. Now, here's the plan. You're gonna call Amy and say you want one last special night together. But here's what she doesn't know: I'm gonna poke a hole in the condom.
Jonah: What? No, this isn't... No, no. I'm over Amy, okay? And I'm with Hannah now.
Sandra: Then what the [bleep] have we been doing all day?

Dina: Cheyenne, you can monitor the surveys on the app. If one of our people gets even one bad review, I want you to pull them off the floor as fast as you can.
Cheyenne: And shave them?
Dina: What?
Cheyenne: Like shave their head to shame them so they know they did something bad?
Dina: No, just reassign them to the back.
Cheyenne: Oh, okay. Yeah, sorry. It just wasn't clear.

Jonah: The key is a personal connection. Customers eat that up, especially moms. You guys get a mom, you send her my way. I'm gonna get you that positive feedback, guaranteed.
Mateo: Ew. You're gonna sleep with all the moms to get a good survey?
Jonah: No! What?
Glenn: Jonah, please. Let's keep it clean.
Dina: Glenn, we actually legally can't tell Jonah who not to sleep with, so if you're gonna have sex with the moms, just do it on your break.
Jonah: I'm not... F- Fine.

Jeff: Okay, well, Zephra's looking at the scores and the comments, so it's important that you get positive feedback. Especially this store.
Dina: What's that supposed to mean?
Jeff: There's been some chatter that 1217 is a "problem child" store.
Glenn: What?
Jeff: I mean, you did damage the store's servers, there's the raccoon infestation, there's Carol's lawsuit, not to mention the multiple attempts at unionizing.
Dina: Well, yeah, of course it's gonna sound bad when you just rattle them off in a row like that. But if you interspersed them with good things we've done or just, you know, random trivia...