Marcus: So you could've had the job, but you turned it down?
Amy: Guys, I'm not going to blackmail my way into being the manager. I should get it because I earned it.
Dina: Right, just like Blaine earned it by coming out of the district manager.
Mateo: He was born into power like Prince Charles. At least you're working for it like Meghan Markle.

Garrett: Look, it's only a couple more hours. It's the length of a movie. If I can sit through The Hitman's Bodyguard, I can make it through this.
Cheyenne: The Hitman's Bodyguard?
Garrett: Yeah. You didn't see that? Ryan Reynolds, Samuel L. Jackson, and uh, the other guy. He always plays a bad dude. Uh, he's British.
Cheyenne: David Beckham.
Garrett: No.
Cheyenne: He's British.
Garrett: Yeah, I know, but that's not who I'm- It's, uh... [goes to grab phone] Oh! Okay, you know who I'm talking about. He's in everything. He was in Harry Potter.
Cheyenne: Oh, Daniel Radcliffe!
Garrett: No.
Cheyenne: Daniel Radcliffe is British.
Garrett: Yeah, I know. Okay?

Dina: Ugh, I can't wait to have a manager that's not a paunchy idiot with elf hair.
Amy: Well, it's not gonna be me. Laurie won't even let me interview for the job. She's already decided who she's hiring.
Dina: Whoa. It sounds like you need to go take a big, fat 17-B on her desk.
Amy: Eww. What are you talking about?
Dina: Rule 17-B.
Amy: 17-B?
Dina: Come on, you know 17-B. 17-B. B as in boy. Rule 17-B.
Amy: You can't just keep saying it-
Dina: Any employee who completes the Cloud 9 Academy should be granted an interview if... If a management position becomes available at their...
Amy: Dina, just say it.
Dina: At their store. Okay? She literally has to let you interview.
Amy: She's already decided who she's hiring, so what's the point?
Dina: The point is you should get to make your case. Look, if you feel awkward asking her, I'm happy to come back you up.

Cheyenne: [streaming] Hey guys, you won't be hearing from me for the next five hours, but don't worry, I haven't been kidnapped. I just can't use my phone. But if you don't hear from me after that, I probably have been kidnapped, and it was probably my uncle. He's really nice, but just statistically...
Garrett: Stay strong. You'll be out before you know it. [both sigh]
Cheyenne: Oh, shoot. I forgot my phone.
Garrett: Cheyenne.
Cheyenne: Oh, yeah.

Glenn: And guys, I say this a lot, but we really need to wet down those raccoon droppings before we sweep.
Dry sweeping is the reason why those roundworm eggs go airborne. God, I just realized this is the last time I'm going to tell you guys to spray your droppings.
Justine: Aww.

Cheyenne: What do I do?
Mateo: Can't you just cover it up?
Cheyenne: Oh, yeah, sure. I'll just turn it into a top hat and then tattoo his mom's face underneath, and then that way it's like she's a magician, huh? How's that?
Mateo: [scoffs] You've never been sarcastic with me before. I don't care for it.

Sandra: Hey, Dina? So I don't know what you thought you saw me and Jerry doing during the blizzard.
Dina: Oh, I know what I saw. It was like Winnie the Pooh with his head in the honeypot.
Sandra: What had happened was I had spilled coffee on my pants, so I took them off to dry, and Jerry came over to help, but he tripped and tipped over into my crotch, so...
Dina: Stop, please. I'm not gonna tell anyone about your little affair.
Sandra: Okay, thank you. I hate having secrets, although the sneaking around has made it even sexier.
Dina: Nope, nope, nope. That's gross.
Sandra: He comes over every night, and sometimes we make lasagna together and eat it off each other's bodies.
Dina: Elias, I'm gonna need you to clean up the vomit that's gonna be all over the ladies' bathroom in about three minutes. [to Sandra] Go on.

Glenn: And that's pretty much it for this morning. [birds screeching] Except remember to be on the lookout for jilted lovers. We'd like to break the streak of revenge stabbings this Valentine's. Any questions?
Jonah: We can't hear anything you're saying.
Glenn: What?
Jonah: We can't hear anything you're saying!
Glenn: I'm sorry. I- I'm having a hard time hearing you over the birds.
Garrett: Maybe Dina shouldn't have brought her loud, dirty birds into work.
Dina: The birds are suffering severe separation anxiety. What am I supposed to do? Leave them home alone?
Amy: I mean, traditionally, that is what you do with pets. [clanging, screeching]
Sandra: If Dina can bring in her birds, I'd like to bring in my cat. He's very sick with dysentery.
Mateo: This is insane. It smells like Toucan Sam's butthole!
Jonah: Just because you eat something fruity, doesn't make your butt smell fruity.
Dina: For birds, it does. Small berries pass through them virtually undigested.
Glenn: Okay, good meeting, everyone!
All: What?

Dina: Okay, we have no idea how long we're gonna be stuck here, so we need to ration our food. The less we eat up front, the longer we can go before we start eating each other later.
Woman: Um, I have a child here.
Dina: That is an amazing offer, but why don't we just try and get out of here alive before we start eating the children, huh?

Glenn: Holy moly!
Jonah: It is the snow-poca-blizz!
Mateo: It is colder than the critical reception of Drake's last album!
Cheyenne: That's what you said when we came out here last night!
Mateo: Shut up. None of them heard it!