Dina: Hey, so, random I was going through some old security footage with Luanne.
Garrett: Yeah?
Dina: And you remember how we used to have those security cameras in the break room? Well, we came across the time you let all my birds escape.
Garrett: Uh... yeah. Um...
Dina: [chuckles] Remember that? Remember? It was Valentine's Day. Remember? I was blaming myself for it, and then when I was at my lowest, you had sex with me, knowing that, hours before, you were the one that let them out. And you knew the entire time. And yet, you said nothing. Remember that? [laughs] So funny.
Garrett: Dina, I'm so, so sorry.
Dina: Hey, come on. Don't even worry about it. I forgive you. When you think about it, this whole thing is just funny. Hey, come with me. I want to show you something.
[cut to Dina and Garrett at the loading dock in front of a burning pile of sneakers:]
Dina: They went up so fast, it's like they wanted to burn. [chuckles] What's that sound? Is that air escaping from the sneakers? [chuckles] It almost sounds like they're screaming. [chuckles] [whispers menacingly] I will never forgive you... ever.

Amy: Well, this sucks. Corporate's the one reducing hours. I'm just the one making the schedule.
Dina: Well, you can't really blame them for trying to cut costs in this world of online retail. Have you been to FashionThreads.com? They sell everything we do, but at half the price.
Woman: Really? [walks off]
Amy: Okay, we have to stop talking about online retail in the store.
Dina: Look, if people here are pissed at you, that's their problem. Just shrug it off.
Amy: Well, that's easy for you to say, Dina. You're not the one that they're going to be blaming for taking away their pay.
Dina: Hell, if you want, tell everyone I made the schedule. I don't care if people hate me. In some sexual situations, I prefer it.
Woman: [returns] Excuse me, what is that website again?
Dina: FashionThreads.com, but if you want, I can send you a link, and then we'll both get a code that gets us 10% off our next purchase.

Dina: Didn't you get my text? The implantation worked. I'm pregnant. [Glenn gasps] Or preggers, as my horrid niece would say, trying to make herself sound like she has a personality.
Glenn: That's the most beautiful, magical thing anyone has ever said to me.
Sandra: [sobs] I'm just so happy for you.
Glenn: Thank you.
Dina: No, I am sure I texted you. It was like a week ago. I see what happened. Texted the wrong Glen. "Sorry, pregnant with Glenn with two Ns. LOL." My mechanic.

Amy: Anybody want any meat? [silence] Nobody? Really? Nobody? Nobody wants meat?
Dina: I'll take some.
Mateo: Aren't you vegan?
Dina: Uh, yeah, just for, like, 20 years. But when I see meat that looks that delicious, I have to make an exception.
Amy: No, Dina, you don't have to eat that.
Mateo: Ugh.
Dina: Oh, yeah. I guess this is what he used to stand on. They just took off the little foot. I'm going to eat a bird now. I'm going to eat a bird now. I'm gonna... [all groan] [eats] Wow, but is it worth it for that taste! [pained laughter] Yum!

Jonah: Yeah, I... I shouldn't gamble. I used to get a little carried away.
Garrett: [British accent] Oh, I'm Jonah. I'm too proper to gamble. Where's me monocle?
Dina: Mm-kay. [Russian accent] Oh, Hi, I'm Jonah. I eat macadamia nuts out of jar inside of other jar. [normal voice] Right?
Garrett: No, what? No, not "right." What was that?
Jonah: Okay, all right, I'll take the... the one with the dermatological...
Garrett: Rashface?
Jonah: Rashface. I'll take one buck on Rashface.
Dina: [Russian accent] Da! One ruble from fur hat for glory of Soviet Union!
Garrett: What are you doing? He's not Russian.
Dina: Yeah, well, he's not British either.

Dina: Today is a high-alert day. I can't stress enough the importance of being vigilant and cautious in light of the serious threats we'll be facing.
Glenn: [dressed as a hot dog] Dina's right. So everybody keep an eye out for anything out of the ordinary. Okay? Good.
Dina: Let's watch out for people buying toilet paper, eggs, shaving cream, ketchup, your squeezables, your squirtables... everything is a weapon today, okay?
Garrett: What about guns?
Dina: Those are fine.

Garrett: [over PA] Attention Cloud 9 shoppers. The spider infestation in produce has been 80% contained. So we will be focusing our attention on the bedbug infestation in the mattress section. Meanwhile, we are down to only one raccoon left in the store. Unfortunately, that raccoon has grown powerful beyond our wildest fears.

Dina: Morning. How was your night?
Jeff: Oh, not great actually. They put me in a room by the runway, and the noise was just...
Dina: Well, I slept here. Guarded the store with my life. Don't worry, I don't smell. Took a whore's bath in the ladies' room this morning. Just the major stink zones. You know, armpits, posterior, vag. That's, uh, in the front in case you're a homosexual.
Jeff: Yeah, I know where all the parts are, thank you.

Jonah: Uh, okay, this is gonna sound crazy, but, do you remember your first period? Because...
Dina: February 4th, 2003. It was a Tuesday. Unseasonably warm.
Jonah: Okay, so...
Dina: I was 19. Late bloomer, though I've more than made up for that since. My gyno says I ovulate like a champ. I drop eggs hard.
Jonah: All right, uh...
Dina: You know my aunt was born with two vaginas? Yeah, she always thought it would help her date, but it didn't. She died alone. Well, she will die alone. She's still alive. She's only like 50 or something.
Jonah: Okay, thanks. Think I got all the information I need.
Dina: [chuckles] God, I'm good at flirting.

Glenn: [holds doll] I love you, Mommy.
Dina: Yah! [knocks doll to the ground]
Glenn: Ha! So that's what you would do if your baby cried, huh?
Dina: Oh, I guess you've heard I'll be raising Cheyenne's child.
Glenn: Oh, the "H" you will. You don't know the first thing about babies. Do you even know how to swaddle?
Dina: I used to work part-time at Chipotle. Same principle as a burrito. Different wrapper and different fillings.