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Shoplifter Rehab

‘Shoplifter Rehab’

Season 5, Episode 7 -  Aired November 7, 2019

Amy is flustered when the district manager, Maya, spends another day in the store. Meanwhile, Mateo helps Dina with a rehab program for shoplifters.

Quote from Amy

Jonah: I oversold it, didn't I? I always do that. I should have just said, "It's a good show. Maybe you'll like it."
Amy: It just made me uncomfortable. I already have enough trouble as a working mom. I don't need to feel bad that I'm not also a KGB agent.


Quote from Jonah

Jonah: Amy and I combined Spotify accounts last night. It just felt like time, you know?
Garrett: Wow, big step. I'm surprised you weren't worried about ruining your personalized recommendations.
Jonah: Oh, good God.

Quote from Amy

Maya: Also, did you know that your pug-a-day calendar is a week ahead?
Amy: Yeah, I get curious.

Quote from Glenn

Jonah: I get that this doesn't look great, but maybe it's as innocent as it sounds.
Amy: Yeah, sure. She just happened to extend her stay here the day after we turned in the cards, because she didn't wanna go to Quincy. Come on. That store used to be a bank. It has a skylight.
Glenn: Oh, I took Jerusha and Rose there for her birthday.
Jonah: Quincy is a showstopper. Nobody's arguing that. I'm just saying, Maya seems pretty chill. You know, she's not like a typical DM.
Glenn: Actually, sometimes, it's the friendliest DMs who are secretly the harshest. Like, you remember Marty over at Crestwood? One day, he's out playing squash with his DM. The next day, he's fired and the DM marries his daughter.
Amy: Really?
Glenn: Well, the actual wedding wasn't the next day, but it makes a better story.

Quote from Amy

Jonah: Okay, well, Maya can't fire you for union stuff.
Amy: Well, maybe that's why she's here. She's sticking around until she finds something else she can fire me for.
Jonah: Like what? Your numbers are good. You don't do drugs. You don't steal. Well, I've seen you pocket Splenda packets in the café, but we're talking, what, like, a handful?
Amy: It's in the hundreds.

Quote from Mateo

Mateo: Free eye exams! See your partner better, learn the truth!

Quote from Dina

Dina: Hey, you busy? [Mateo gestures] I'm sorry, I don't know what that was. Are you finishing a magic trick?
Mateo: No, I'm just saying there's no one here.
Dina: You were doing a magic trick for no one?
Mateo: There's no magic trick!

Quote from Mateo

Mateo: Okay, what do you want?
Dina: I need someone to help me run my shoplifter rehab course. Eddy's usually my assistant, but ironically, he got arrested.
Mateo: Oh, I'd be good with shoplifters because I'm some sort of criminal to you, huh? Just because I have an ankle monitor, suddenly, I'm, like, the cutest boy in the Crips?
Dina: Actually, there's a lot of yelling involved, and I thought you'd be interested in that.
Mateo: Yeah, that sounds fun. I'm in.

Quote from Sandra

Sandra: Hey, what do you think of these?
Jonah: I think those are candles with anchors on them.
Sandra: Thanks, I like 'em too. Jerry wants our wedding to have a nautical theme since he was born on a tugboat.
Garrett: Well, a boat does have an anchor, so you nailed it.

Quote from Carol

Carol: Okay, these are the last ones I could find in the back.
Garrett: Oh, so Carol's helping you out?
Carol: Sandra and I are committed to repairing our friendship. Bricks on the back are lighter than pebbles in the soul, right, Sandra?
Sandra: So much lighter. [both chuckle]
Carol: Okay, I'm gonna go see if I can find a captain's hat that will fit Jerry's big ol' melon. [walks off]
Jonah: Are you sure you're okay?
Sandra: Totally. And so you know, I'll be here for the next hour and then I'll be in grocery, just in case you wanna say hi later and make sure something's not wrong. [chuckles] Not that it would be. But here and then grocery.

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