TV Quotes

Jonah: Yeah, I... I shouldn't gamble. I used to get a little carried away.
Garrett: [British accent] Oh, I'm Jonah. I'm too proper to gamble. Where's me monocle?
Dina: Mm-kay. [Russian accent] Oh, Hi, I'm Jonah. I eat macadamia nuts out of jar inside of other jar. [normal voice] Right?
Garrett: No, what? No, not "right." What was that?
Jonah: Okay, all right, I'll take the... the one with the dermatological...
Garrett: Rashface?
Jonah: Rashface. I'll take one buck on Rashface.
Dina: [Russian accent] Da! One ruble from fur hat for glory of Soviet Union!
Garrett: What are you doing? He's not Russian.
Dina: Yeah, well, he's not British either.

Jonah: 20 bucks on Isaac the Ginger Giant.
Garrett: Man, this is intense. I didn't even know we sold dry erase boards this big.
Jonah: Bought it at a different store. Who's next?
Cheyenne: So we just pick one?
Jonah: It's a pari-mutuel betting pool with live odds, no rake, and I'm open to exotic bets, okay? You know, exactas, trifectas, quadrellas, or "quaddies."
Garrett: Or we could all just pick one.
Cheyenne: Pick one, nice.
Jonah: Fine, so whoever's temp quits first takes the pot? Okay, cool. I mean, I... I worked out all the odds, I guess, for nothing. But I had fun doing it, so good times. Who's next?

Mateo: Oh, don't worry. I'll clean that up for you. Ugh, what is the point of these people? They're so bad, they make Jonah look competent.
Jonah: I know.

Dina: This is the grimmest year ever.
Garrett: I got a buck that says Pornstache is gone before lunch.
Dina: No way, my money's on Ladybutt. You want in on this action?
Jonah: Uh, nope, I will not be betting on people losing their jobs.
Garrett: Quitting their jobs. And they're not people. They're temps.
Dina: Come on. I mean, we always lose a few on the first day. It's good, clean fun, like the Myrtle death pool. That thing's been going on for 20 years.

Garrett: 'Ello, 'ello, 'ello, Mr. Jonah.
Jonah: Hey.
Garrett: Looks like you won.
Jonah: What?
Garrett: Your buddy Rashface? He found a used condom in the dressing room and just walked out the store. Congratulations.
Jonah: Wow, that's great. That's... I mean, that's really... that's too bad about his job, but, uh, I had a feeling about that guy. You know, just... just, like, a really... a really good feeling.
Garrett: Okay, well, enjoy that two bucks.
Jonah: Oh, yeah, I'm gonna. [chuckles] Hey, uh, you know what? We should... we should do another round. What do you say?
Garrett: Okay, sure.
Jonah: Yeah, yeah, just, like, uh... just get some more people involved, you know, raise the stakes. Oh! Oh, hey! Uh, we should do a pool. I won.

Glenn: Congratulations. Out of over a dozen applicants, you're the super six who made it past the grueling yet simple Megan's Law search. So let's get... [phone chimes] Oops, sorry. Excuse me. One sec. Richard, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

Jonah: Who else?
Myrtle: I got $20 on the old bitch.
Jonah: I got her listed as "Old Lady," but I got you, Myrtle.

Garrett: Who else is left?
Jonah: Uh, let's see. We have Unibrow, Unibrow 2, Short Guy Tall Hair, and Booklady.
Mateo: Oh, I'll take Booklady.
Cheyenne: No, I wanted her. I hate her.
Mateo: I hate her too. Splitsies.
Cheyenne: Yes.
Jonah: All right! The joy of sport, bringing people together. Which temp will quit next?

Dina: And that's it next to a golf ball just for scale.
Garrett: Oh.
Dina: That polyp is huge, right?

Jonah: Hey.
Garrett: [British accent] My name's Jonah. I couldn't possibly wager on people quitting their jobs.
Jonah: Well, you started it, so...
Garrett: [normal voice] No, what I started was a simple wager where no one got hurt. You were trying to make him quit, which is so much more awesome. I wish I would have thought of it sooner. I wasted a lot of good years.
Jonah: So the bet's still on?
Garrett: It's on like Kublai Khan.