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Seasonal Help

‘Seasonal Help’

Season 2, Episode 9 -  Aired November 10, 2016

Amy's husband Adam is hired as a seasonal worker. Jonah and his colleagues bet on which of the temp workers will be the first to quit. Meanwhile, Glenn searches for the perfect store Santa.

Quote from Dina

Jonah: Yeah, I... I shouldn't gamble. I used to get a little carried away.
Garrett: [British accent] Oh, I'm Jonah. I'm too proper to gamble. Where's me monocle?
Dina: Mm-kay. [Russian accent] Oh, Hi, I'm Jonah. I eat macadamia nuts out of jar inside of other jar. [normal voice] Right?
Garrett: No, what? No, not "right." What was that?
Jonah: Okay, all right, I'll take the... the one with the dermatological...
Garrett: Rashface?
Jonah: Rashface. I'll take one buck on Rashface.
Dina: [Russian accent] Da! One ruble from fur hat for glory of Soviet Union!
Garrett: What are you doing? He's not Russian.
Dina: Yeah, well, he's not British either.


Quote from Jonah

Jonah: 20 bucks on Isaac the Ginger Giant.
Garrett: Man, this is intense. I didn't even know we sold dry erase boards this big.
Jonah: Bought it at a different store. Who's next?
Cheyenne: So we just pick one?
Jonah: It's a pari-mutuel betting pool with live odds, no rake, and I'm open to exotic bets, okay? You know, exactas, trifectas, quadrellas, or "quaddies."
Garrett: Or we could all just pick one.
Cheyenne: Pick one, nice.
Jonah: Fine, so whoever's temp quits first takes the pot? Okay, cool. I mean, I... I worked out all the odds, I guess, for nothing. But I had fun doing it, so good times. Who's next?

Quote from Mateo

Mateo: Oh, don't worry. I'll clean that up for you. Ugh, what is the point of these people? They're so bad, they make Jonah look competent.
Jonah: I know.

Quote from Dina

Dina: This is the grimmest year ever.
Garrett: I got a buck that says Pornstache is gone before lunch.
Dina: No way, my money's on Ladybutt. You want in on this action?
Jonah: Uh, nope, I will not be betting on people losing their jobs.
Garrett: Quitting their jobs. And they're not people. They're temps.
Dina: Come on. I mean, we always lose a few on the first day. It's good, clean fun, like the Myrtle death pool. That thing's been going on for 20 years.

Quote from Jonah

Garrett: 'Ello, 'ello, 'ello, Mr. Jonah.
Jonah: Hey.
Garrett: Looks like you won.
Jonah: What?
Garrett: Your buddy Rashface? He found a used condom in the dressing room and just walked out the store. Congratulations.
Jonah: Wow, that's great. That's... I mean, that's really... that's too bad about his job, but, uh, I had a feeling about that guy. You know, just... just, like, a really... a really good feeling.
Garrett: Okay, well, enjoy that two bucks.
Jonah: Oh, yeah, I'm gonna. [chuckles] Hey, uh, you know what? We should... we should do another round. What do you say?
Garrett: Okay, sure.
Jonah: Yeah, yeah, just, like, uh... just get some more people involved, you know, raise the stakes. Oh! Oh, hey! Uh, we should do a pool. I won.

Quote from Glenn

Glenn: Congratulations. Out of over a dozen applicants, you're the super six who made it past the grueling yet simple Megan's Law search. So let's get... [phone chimes] Oops, sorry. Excuse me. One sec. Richard, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

Quote from Myrtle

Jonah: Who else?
Myrtle: I got $20 on the old bitch.
Jonah: I got her listed as "Old Lady," but I got you, Myrtle.

Quote from Jonah

Garrett: Who else is left?
Jonah: Uh, let's see. We have Unibrow, Unibrow 2, Short Guy Tall Hair, and Booklady.
Mateo: Oh, I'll take Booklady.
Cheyenne: No, I wanted her. I hate her.
Mateo: I hate her too. Splitsies.
Cheyenne: Yes.
Jonah: All right! The joy of sport, bringing people together. Which temp will quit next?

Quote from Dina

Dina: And that's it next to a golf ball just for scale.
Garrett: Oh.
Dina: That polyp is huge, right?

Quote from Garrett

Jonah: Hey.
Garrett: [British accent] My name's Jonah. I couldn't possibly wager on people quitting their jobs.
Jonah: Well, you started it, so...
Garrett: [normal voice] No, what I started was a simple wager where no one got hurt. You were trying to make him quit, which is so much more awesome. I wish I would have thought of it sooner. I wasted a lot of good years.
Jonah: So the bet's still on?
Garrett: It's on like Kublai Khan.

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