Sandra Kaluiokalani Quotes   Page 2 of 18    

Quote from Grand Re-Opening

Mateo: What am I going to say to Jeff? He never called me back.
Cheyenne: Maybe he didn't get the message. Maybe he couldn't hear you over the tornado.
Mateo: Well, I don't even know if I want him to have heard me. It's complicated.
Cheyenne: Mm.
Sandra: My boyfriend Jerry got hit in the head by a mailbox during the tornado. He's been in a coma ever since. I visit him every day to read to him. I'm on the fifth Harry Potter book, and...
Cheyenne: Ooh! You know what we could do? Maybe we could do a test in front of one of those big fans to see if he could hear you.
Mateo: God, that's an amazing idea! [both walk off]
Sandra: He's off the breathing tube. So, that's good.


Quote from Brett's Dead

[Sandra plays Radiohead's "Creep" on ukulele]
Sandra: ♪ You're so freakin' special ♪ ♪ I wish I was special ♪ ♪ But I'm a creep ♪ ♪ I'm a weirdo ♪ ♪ What the hell am I doing here? ♪
Jonah: D-Did Brett like Radiohead?
Garrett: No, it's just the only song she knows.
Mateo: Her YouTube channel is so sad.
Sandra: ♪ I don't belong... ♪ ♪ Here ♪ [ukulele flourish]
Amy: Thank you, Sandra. That was... lovely.

Quote from Workplace Bullying

Sandra: Sometimes the bus driver opens the door and, when I try to get in, he drives forward a little and then I try to get in again, but then he drives a little more and we're all laughing, but still...
Jeff: Yes, that is bullying, Sandra. Um... Jesus.

Quote from Health Fund

Sandra: So excited about this. I can finally get my inhaler.
Jonah: Oh. I'm glad it all worked out.
Sandra: I just couldn't put the money together before. I reduced my shifts because of Jerry, and I had to pay to put one of my cats down. She ate one of my other cats.
Jonah: Well, I don't know what to say to that, but I'm glad that it all worked out with the inhaler.
Sandra: Thanks. [hugs Jonah]

Quote from Video Game Release

Sandra: Sometimes when I'm playing The Sims, I give myself a family.
Mateo: Jesus Christ.

Quote from Video Game Release

Glenn: Do you know why we're always the victims?
Sandra: Because... I'm sorry, Glenn, I don't know.
Glenn: It's because we make ourselves the victim. But I am done being a doormat.
Sandra: It would be nice not to get pushed around.
Glenn: Yeah.
Sandra: My mailman uses the bathroom in my apartment every day. He used to knock, but then he made me make him a key. So...

Quote from Video Game Release

Glenn: Hey, Sandra.
Sandra: Mm-hmm?
Glenn: You think all these other sweaters are just going to magically get up and fold themselves?
Sandra: No, Glenn, because magic doesn't [bleep] exist! [throws sweater at customer]

Quote from Safety Training

Dina: But just so you know, Kelly's gonna start suspecting something if you keep lashing out at her.
Amy: What are you talking about? I don't lash out at Kelly.
Dina: [scoffs] Hey, Sandra, do you remember any time that Amy was lashing out at Kelly?
Sandra: January 4th, you said, "Kelly, I assume you've been to a monster truck rally." January 12th, you said, "Two people saying you look like Reese Witherspoon is not a lot of people."
Amy: Okay, we got it. Thanks, Sandra.
Sandra: January 20th, you said, "Wow, did they teach you that at pageant school?" January 21st, you said, "Wow, did they teach you that at pageant school?"
Amy: Okay, we got it, Sandra. Thank you.

Quote from Amnesty

Sandra: Uh-oh, hope I'm not interrupting anything. [rubs finger over back of hand]
Jonah: What is that?
Sandra: Sex.
Amy: No, it's not. I think you mean this.
[Amy and Jonah show an index finger going in and out of a thumb/index finger circle on the other hand]
Sandra: Oh, like this?
Jonah: Yeah, there you go.
Sandra: Oh...
[All three keep making the gesture]
Jonah: This is nice.

Quote from Amnesty

Pastor Craig: And I don't care what you've done. God hates the sin, but he loves the sinner. Example: Sandra... Who is Sandra? Where is, uh... [Sandra meekly raises her hand] All right. Now, Sandra, it... it says here that you wanna kill a coworker named Carol.
Sandra: Yeah.
Pastor Craig: Oh. Oh, Sandra, I understand. When I'm frustrated, I wanna wring someone's neck.
Sandra: Exactly. Wring it hard.
Pastor Craig: So, what do you do? What do you do when that feeling comes over you?
Sandra: Well, I... put on a hoodie that covers my face. Then I take the 47 bus line to a library in a far-away town. Then I open a private browser on one of their computers, and Google how I'm thinking of killing her to see what mistakes people usually make.
Pastor Craig: Jesus.

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