Jeff Quote #14
Jeff: [on the phone] So the tub faucet is now working, but the drain is clogged with... I'm gonna say fur, not hair. Oh, hold on just one second, please. Guys, corporate is coming down on employee fraternization due to a recent incident.
Dina: The incident of you having gay sex with Mateo?
Jeff: I'm not at liberty to say. And we actually just call it sex. Uh, but the point is, since you two have been recently intimate...
Garrett: Wait, does this mean we gotta transfer too?
Dina: Oh, no, no way. I am just getting used to the wet horse smell coming out of Elias's locker.
Jeff: Uh, no. Mateo only needs to transfer because I'm at a district level. Sorry, that sounded like I was bragging.
Garrett: No it didn't.
Jeff: Okay, the point is, I just need you guys to fill out these disclosure forms for me. Thank you. [on the phone] Hi, sorry about that. So the phone in my hotel room, yes. Sometimes when I'm on it, I hear somebody breathing.
Quote from Cheyenne
Cheyenne: My friends and I would say that you guys are just chilling.
Jonah: Wait, full-on sex is now considered just chilling?
Cheyenne: Uh-huh, and mouth stuff is hanging out, and hand stuff is pretty much, "I like you but just as a friend".
Garrett: Wow, times have changed.
Quote from Mateo
Mateo: [on video] What am I gonna miss the most? Uh, the people? They're salt of the Earth. Simple, basic. Just sort of harmless. Am I scared? Of course I'm scared.
Amy: Wait, so, um, who's asking you these questions?
Garrett: That is not your chest.
Mateo: Yes it is.
Garrett: Then take off your shirt.
Mateo: I had a big breakfast.
Mateo: [on video] My advice? I guess it would be leaving every place you work at a little bit better than when you found it. Did I do that here? Who can say? Yes. I think I did.
Dina: Well, that was a massive waste of time.
Glenn: Okay, moving on. We have not had a tornado drill in eight years, so we really should...
Mateo: [on video] I started this journey as a small child in the Philippines... [all groan]
Quote from Customer Satisfaction
Jeff: Okay, well, Zephra's looking at the scores and the comments, so it's important that you get positive feedback. Especially this store.
Dina: What's that supposed to mean?
Jeff: There's been some chatter that 1217 is a "problem child" store.
Jeff: I mean, you did damage the store's servers, there's the raccoon infestation, there's Carol's lawsuit, not to mention the multiple attempts at unionizing.
Dina: Well, yeah, of course it's gonna sound bad when you just rattle them off in a row like that. But if you interspersed them with good things we've done or just, you know, random trivia...
Quote from Cheyenne's Wedding
Jeff: [whispers] Shh. This baby's asleep.
Mateo: Have you been at the wedding this entire time?
Jeff: Yes. You saw me when I came in, and then I think we made eye contact when we were both in line for the bathroom a while ago.
Mateo: I don't think so. I... Anyway, um, it's good to see you.
Jeff: Not you. I hate you.
Jeff: Yeah! You dumped me out of nowhere, so of course I hate you. It just sounds funny because I'm whispering. Because I don't want to wake the baby up because... [Harmonica cries] And thank you. Now she's awake. You just can't stop hurting me. Okay, here we go. I'm gonna trade you. You take her. She doesn't like to bounced, okay? [whispers] I hate you. Not you. I love you.