Glenn: Or like Garrett... you're, um...
Garrett: Norwegian.
Glenn: Wha... really? Huh... but you're also part, um...
Garrett: Swedish.
Glenn: Oh. Okay, um.

Glenn: Or... or like Mateo. You're from the Philippines.
Mateo: I may have been born in the Philippines, but I am trueblue American. Dane Cook!

Dina: All right, listen up. We're putting together tonight's closing ceremony, so we need to know if any of you have any special skills.
Justine: I'm a pretty good singer.
Dina: Okay. Sing "Car Wash" with me immediately. [claps]
Justine: ♪ Workin' at... ♪
Dina: Fail! The vocals don't come in for another ten measures. Also, you have the worst voice I've ever heard.

Dina: This is a disaster!
Garrett: No, it's not. We got a lot of great stuff here.
Dina: Are you kidding? I mean, this is the Olympics. They're about excellence.
Garrett: Except it's not the Olympics. It's a store that sells discount soda pop and provides a bathroom for homeless dudes.
Dina: And there he is. Mr. Cool Guy Garrett, who doesn't care about anything. Well, you know what? I'm not cool. I don't know how to play the trumpet. I don't wear tie-dye shirts.
Garrett: You think those things are cool?

Glenn: [triumphant brass music] Housewares! Baby and toddler! Pet food!
Jonah: Okay, I get... I get that Cloud 9 is an Olympic sponsor, but do all the stores do an actual Olympic opening ceremony?
Amy: Nope, just us. Glenn has more company pride than most.
Garrett: I feel like I've been transported to Rio.
Glenn: Pharmacy! Toys and sporting goods!
Mateo: Is the life jacket really necessary?
Cheyenne: Don't talk to me. Don't talk to me. Don't talk to me.
Glenn: Our assistant manager, Dina!
Dina: I'm not a part of this. I just happen to be walking in the same direction.
Glenn: And now, to light the Cloud 9 Olympic cauldron is store 1217's oldest living employee. Myrtle. Now.
[Lee Greenwood's "Proud To Be An American" plays]
Glenn: There she is! An American hero!

Dina: Glenn, you did not tell me you'd be using actual fire.
Glenn: Yes, I did. I put it in my column in the newsletter.
Dina: Nobody reads "Glenn's Corner," okay?
Glenn: Did you read my thing on gluten?
Dina: Absolutely not.
Glenn: Yeah, well, it was good.
Dina: This is a hazard.
Glenn: I got a lot of... How is that a hazard?
Dina: No, the fire, not the gluten.
Glenn: How is that a hazard?
Jonah: Uh, Glenn.
Glenn: No, Myrtle! That's not the cauldron!
Myrtle: Oh.
Glenn: It's okay, it's just a little baby fire! [all exclaiming, screaming] All right, okay, I've got this! I've got this! [fire alarm ringing] Everybody evacuate the store!

Dina: No! Nobody run! We have an elected store fire marshal who will lead us from the building safely. Elias! Where is Elias?
[cut to Elias listening to a podcast on his phone in the bathroom:]
Woman: [on podcast] You are strong. Women love you. People...

Amy: I'm feeling really patriotic right now?
Jonah: Well, we are breathing in a lot of smoke.

Glenn: All right, it's been an exciting 17 days of our Olympic promotion. A couple of hiccups there at the beginning, what with the inferno. Anyway, uh, we're not gonna have any accidents today during my closing ceremony.
Dina: Oh, no. Absolutely not. Not happening. No, your ceremony was not only reckless, it was lame, and that's worse.
Glenn: Like you could do better.
Dina: If I gave a crap.
Glenn: Well, crap away, lady.
Garrett: Ugh.
Dina: Game on. I am gonna close that ceremony so hard.
Glenn: I wish someone would close you so hard.
Dina: Oh, really? I'd just open myself right back up again.

Amy: Excuse me, do the rest of us need to be here?
Glenn: Yeah, uh, sorry, other stuff. Okay. Organic apples are on sale today. Make sure the customers know, and also, uh, Olympian Missy Jones is appearing in-store.
Amy: [gasps] Wait, Missy Jones? The gold medal-winning gymnast Missy Jones? Seriously?
Cheyenne: I used to do gymnastics when I was little. It wasn't at the Olympics, though. It was at Bev's Tumble Palace.