Jonah: Okay, let's do this. Let's rumble. Oh. [grunts]
Cheyenne: Why are you stretching your legs?
Jonah: That's where the power comes from.

Jeff: [on the phone] So the tub faucet is now working, but the drain is clogged with... I'm gonna say fur, not hair. Oh, hold on just one second, please. Guys, corporate is coming down on employee fraternization due to a recent incident.
Dina: The incident of you having gay sex with Mateo?
Jeff: I'm not at liberty to say. And we actually just call it sex. Uh, but the point is, since you two have been recently intimate...
Garrett: Wait, does this mean we gotta transfer too?
Dina: Oh, no, no way. I am just getting used to the wet horse smell coming out of Elias's locker.
Jeff: Uh, no. Mateo only needs to transfer because I'm at a district level. Sorry, that sounded like I was bragging.
Garrett: No it didn't.
Jeff: Okay, the point is, I just need you guys to fill out these disclosure forms for me. Thank you. [on the phone] Hi, sorry about that. So the phone in my hotel room, yes. Sometimes when I'm on it, I hear somebody breathing.

Cheyenne: My friend Corona sells her pee on the Internet.

Amy: So, you invited him back?
Glenn: Yeah, I mean, I couldn't rest knowing there was an unhappy customer out there who thinks that this place is, you know, quote "a bleep show."
Tim: Oh, I'm sorry. I was probably having a pretty bad day when I wrote that review.
Glenn: Oh, we all come down with a case of the crabs sometimes.
Amy: That's an interesting choice of words.

Jonah: So you're not a refugee. You're not a special agricultural worker. Any interest in joining the military?
Mateo: Hm... I don't trust myself with a weapon. I would like killing too much.
Cheyenne: Oh, or you could just get beat up. "Person may be eligible for a special U.N. visa if they are a victim of a violent crime, such as an assault."
Jonah: That's crazy. I can't believe that's real.
Mateo: So I would just need to get punched.
Cheyenne: No, it seems like you'd have to get your ass beat pretty bad.
Jonah: Or, if you don't wanna get your ass beat, I'm still willing to marry you.
Mateo: Oh, thank you, Jonah. When you put it like that... the ass beating doesn't sound so bad.

[The employees watch a video montage of Mateo helping customers set to Bette Midler's "Wind Beneath My Wings"]
Garrett: I don't get it. Is he transferring or dying?
Dina: Yeah, Glenn, this is terrible.
Glenn: Oh, I didn't make it. Mateo did. [all groan]
Garrett: That makes sense.
Mateo: Shh! Pay attention.

Glenn: How did you get all these pictures of the store?
Mateo: It's on Yelp.
Glenn: Ohh, yeah.
Amy: It's a website where people post reviews.
Glenn: Wait, do you think our store has a Yelf?
Jonah: I'm sure we do.
Mateo: Ah, well, it's amazing how quickly you all made this about you.
Jonah: Voila!

Dina: Hey, what'd you put for nature of relationship? They only have "spouse," "family member," and "romantic."
Garrett: Yeah, I just marked romantic, basically because it was the closest to where my pen already was.
Dina: Okay, look. There is nothing romantic about this relationship. I have been very clear about that.
Garrett: Yeah, I agree with you. But we're not family members and we're definitely not married, so...
Dina: I'm calling Corporate.
Garrett: You've called Corporate so much that you have memorized their number?
Dina: You're gonna need to talk first. Ask for extension 224. If the operator hears my voice, she won't put me through.
Garrett: [on phone] Yeah, extension 224, please.
Dina: Oh. [takes phone] Ha! I got through!

Mateo: You know, I feel kinda bad that I got promoted and you guys didn't.
Jonah: Oh, is getting transferred because you're sleeping with Jeff considered a promotion?
Mateo: [mouths] He's so jealous.
Cheyenne: [mouths] I know.

Mateo: So... that's it. Corporate's gonna find out that my documents are fake. I'm gonna get deported. And Jeff is gonna get back together with his ex. Oh, congratulations, Chad. You win.
Jonah: You know what? Maybe you should try talking to Jeff. Maybe he could... he could, like, fudge the paperwork or something.
Mateo: Mm. Great idea. "Hey Jeff, you know how you're barely even allowed to date me? Well, surprise, turns out you're also illegally employing me."
Cheyenne: And I'd marry you if I could. But I'm supposed to marry Bo and he already bought a tie.
Mateo: That's okay. Thanks anyway.
Jonah: You know what? Screw it. I'll do it. I'll marry you.
Mateo: Ew.