Marcus Quotes Page 3 of 24
Quote from District Manager
Marcus: It's because she's a bitch. Laurie, not Myrtle.
Amy: Please, Jeff did all kinds of crappy things, and no one ever called him a bitch.
Garrett: When Jeff changed the vendors for the vending machine, you called him a [bleep].
Amy: Yeah, well, that's because the vending machine didn't have any Takis.
Marcus: Sorry, if Laurie is being a bitch, wouldn't the truly sexist thing be for me to not call her a bitch?
Amy: No, that's not the point.
Jonah: Actually, I think I kind of agree with Marcus.
Amy: What?
Marcus: Yes! Red pill brothers.
Jonah: No, I just mean if we had true equality, you could call out women for doing something terrible when they're doing something terrible.
Marcus: Like being a bitch.
Jonah: See, there's that word again. Maybe let's not use that.
Quote from Costume Competition
Dina: Hello, St. Louis! Welcome to Cloud 9 store 1217's 2018 Halloween official employee costume competition royale. [cheers and applause] All right. Let's meet our first contestant, Marcus White!
["Monster Mash" plays]
Marcus: [as Bob Marley] One love! Everything irie. [normal voice] But I'll tell you what isn't Irie. Nearly 700,000 Africans brought to Jamaica as slaves. The Rastafari movement isn't about ganja and bobsleds. It's about resisting the tyranny of white oppressors. Perhaps just like you. Thanks, and happy Halloween.
["Monster Mash" resumes]
Quote from Cloud Green
Jonah: It's not a favor for me. It's a favor for the Earth. For your children. For your grandchildren.
Sandra: Mm, no thanks.
Cheyenne: I don't know.
Marcus: I can't even have kids. I fell off a four-wheeler when I was nine. Burst my ball sack clean open.
Jonah: Okay, well, I'll just leave the sign-up sheet at customer service in case you change your mind.
Marcus: I can still have orgasms though! [chuckles] They just hurt really bad.
Quote from Scanners
Mateo: You don't know my life, and it's not that cushy.
Marcus: Dude, I'm homeless!
Mateo: Dude, I'm undocumented.
Marcus: Seriously?
Mateo: Yeah, so suck it.
Marcus: Oh. Hey, thanks for telling me. We have each other's secrets now. Let's make a pact. I won't say anything about your thing unless my thing comes out, and vice versa.
Mateo: Um, you can't say anything about my thing.
Marcus: And I totally won't, unless my thing gets out. Ride together, die together. [crunching]
Mateo: Oh, God.
Quote from #Cloud9Fail
Mateo: Well, no one will even hire you if you're on call here all the time. That's why I didn't get that job as a shirtless greeter at Abercrombie & Fitch.
Marcus: Oh, I used to have that job, but in a guy's house. [stammers] I knew him. He was my wrestling coach.
Quote from Testimonials
Cheyenne: Marcus, you're up.
Marcus: My parents didn't talk to me till I was five to see if I'd learn sign language... I didn't. Last year, I had intense stomach cramps that wound up being a spider's nest inside my body. Worked out great, though, got to keep the spiders. And all my teeth are fake. Time! Yes! In your face, Glenn.
Quote from Trick-or-Treat
Marcus: Sorry I'm late. Sorry.
All: Wow.
Marcus: Hard to get in my car in this thing, but guess who's winning our costume contest?
Amy: Oh, by the way, there will be no costume contest this year.
Marcus: What?
Amy: Corporate didn't want to approve another racial sensitivity training.
Marcus: Tita Irma spent an hour this morning sewing me into this.
Garrett: You're sewed into that? How are you gonna use the bathroom?
Marcus: There's actually a lot of padding in here, so... [all murmur in disgust]
Quote from Carol's Back
Amy: Okay, can we just stop talking about this? The fact is, Carol has to work somewhere in the store, so she's gonna be in somebody's department.
Marcus: Well, it's obviously not gonna be Sandra. I heard Carol freaked her out so much she crapped her wedding dress.
Glenn: Oh.
Sandra: Oh, um, that didn't happen.
Marcus: You don't have to be embarrassed. It's totally natural. It happens to lots of brides at their wedding.
Janet: That's childbirth.
Sandra: I didn't crap myself. Amy, tell him.
Dina: Sandra, she said she didn't want to talk about what happened that night; the rumor stands.
Sandra: Oh, man.
Quote from Carol's Back
Amy: Look, we don't need an HR rep hanging around here auditing us, writing everyone up for all the little things I let slide, like visible tattoos and the pictures you put in your lockers, and unbuttoning your pants at lunch.
Marcus: To let air in so the mold doesn't come back. It's called hygiene.
Amy: Oh. Okay, I can't deal with that right now.
Quote from Essential
Marcus: Okay, but big news of the day? Just finished Tiger King episode three. Carol Baskin? Come on, what a trip! Definitely killed her husband. Let's get into it.
Cheyenne: Yeah, sorry, that was, like early pandemic. No one really cares anymore.
Sandra: I think we're all embarrassed we cared in the first place.
Marcus: Seriously? Ugh! Stupid coronavirus. I wish I never even went to the ICU.