Marcus: Man, I wish I had the stones to go both ways. Can you imagine? Two dudes... all gas, no brakes.
Jonah: Yeah, totally.

Marcus: Oh! You wanna fire me? Well, guess what? If I go... Mateo goes, too. We have an alliance. Right, buddy? [Mateo moves away] Oh, real nice. So much for Dave Matthews fans sticking together.

Sandra: Well, what about Marcus? He shouldn't be in Group A. His leg is messed up.
Marcus: I've got a handle on it. Okay. [rolls up pant leg] [gasps and shrieking]
Garrett: Oh, my God.
Kelly: That looks infected.
Marcus: Not a chance. Every night I soak it in my apartment complex's hot tub, and chlorine will kill anything.
Garrett: What?
Sandra: Ridiculous.

Marcus: Okay, okay, okay. It seems to me the problem is that some of us are going to use the fund more than others, but no one wants to put in more money than they're going to take out.
Amy: Yes, exactly. Thank you.
Marcus: So my suggestion would be, what if we restrict the fund to those of us who are able to complete a series of Ninja Warrior type physical challenges?
Amy: Mm, see, I was with you for so long.
Marcus: Okay, how about if you can jump on a table then you're in.
Amy: No, we're not doing that.

Marcus: [on recording] Kate Upton, Arianna Grande, Serena Williams, 1994 Meryl Streep, 1995 Meryl Streep, and the Wonder Woman chick. Celebrities I Would Bone is brought to you by Blue Apron, a better way to cook...
Marcus: God, that hour flies by.

Marcus: I wish I were a mermaid. I would clean up.
Kelly: I think you'd be a mer-man.
Amy: Yeah, I don't really buy mermen as a thing.
Cheyenne: Then how did they use to, you know... [bleep]? Unless that's why they went extinct.
Marcus: [scoffs] They didn't go extinct. They lost their tails over the course of centuries and turned into humans. It's called evolution.
Jonah: I don't think so.
Marcus: Okay, fine, God made us.

Marcus: So you're saying reindeers actually exist, like, in the real world?
Mateo: We had a reindeer in the store on Christmas.
Marcus: I didn't think it was a real reindeer. I thought it was a normal deer with antlers nailed to its head.

Marcus: So, word on the street is you are horny and looking for love.
Amy: Uh, no, who said that?
Marcus: Let's just say a little dumb bird and her gay friend bird told me.
Amy: Well, turns out you have bad information.
Marcus: Shh, shh, look, here's what we're gonna do. The second our shift ends, we're going to my place, we're getting in my water bed, and we're not leaving till we figure out this whole will they, won't they, Kermit and Miss Piggy thing we got going on.
Amy: Wait, sorry, am I Kermit or...
Marcus: Yeah, 'cause you're smart with skinny legs and I'm Miss Piggy because I'm a star. So, what do you think?
Amy: I just think it might be weird to date someone I work with, so...
Marcus: Okay, fine, then screw it. I will quit right now.
Amy: No.
Marcus: I no longer work here.
Amy: No, no.

Marcus: Cheese, what is it? Dried milk.
Amy: Uh, no. I don't think that's true.
Garrett: It is. It is, Amy. It's in a PowerPoint.
Marcus: Now, we all know the standard cheeses. American cheese, cheddar cheese, pizza cheese. But what if I told you there's one more out there?
Garrett: Pepper jack?
Marcus: No.
Jonah: Gouda?
Mateo: Swiss!
Glenn: Kraft Singles.
Dina: Goat, Parm, blue, ricotta. I could name at least ten more.

Marcus: No, guys, stop just yelling out random words. You're throwing me off. But what if I told you there's one more out there? Human cheese! [all retch]
Jonah: Oh, my God, is that what this is?
Glenn: I've had five samples already.
Marcus: No, no, this is just cut-up string cheese. I don't have enough money for a prototype. But it'll basically be exactly like that, I think. So who's ready to invest in the breast? It'll be udder-ly amazing!
Sandra: That's cows.
Marcus: Damn it, Sandra! You're messing with my flow. Ugh. [exhales, shudders] Cheese, what is it? Dried milk.