Mateo: Can you believe that banjo he's carrying? As if all southerners are just toothless backwater rednecks.
Tyler: I think he's supposed to be Steve Martin.
Mateo: [southern accent] "I think he's supposed to be Steve Martin." That's what you sound like. Ugh.

Garrett: [on the phone] Okay, the problem is the same song keeps playing every ten minutes. Same song, all day long.
Man: Well, I doubt any customers are sticking around all day.
Garrett: Yeah, but I am. I'm here all day long. All day long, same song. It's starting to become a little much.
Man: Oh, if this is about employee satisfaction, I can transfer you over to-
Garrett: No, do not transfer me. I have been transferred to six different departments in four different countries. I don't understand why it takes an international coalition to control a playlist. Which is something that I have been doing for ten years with no problems. Nobody got hurt, then all of a sudden you guys takeover and it's "Halloween Surfboard." "Halloween Surfboard." It's just stupid!
Man: Please hold.
["Halloween Surfboard" plays on the line]

Amy: See? Marcus is fine with it.
Mateo: Oh, that makes sense. Yeah, I guess we can all start telling racist jokes as long as one person from that race signs off.
Dina: Is that true? My Jewish bird joke is so good, and I think you'll feel like we're laughing with you.
Jonah: Still no.
Dina: Ugh, it's so good.

Marcus: I don't understand why Amy's allowed to wear a mustache but I can't wear my dreadlocks.
Cheyenne: And I can't wear a grass skirt and coconut boobs.
Isaac: Let her wear the coconut boobs, you monsters.
Amy: It's because those costumes objectify a whole culture. I am not dressed as an Italian. I am dressed as a character who happens to be Italian.
Marcus: So I'm not allowed to dress up as a Jamaican, but if I'm dressing up as Bob Marley, who happens to be Jamaican... [as Bob Marley] then everything be irie, Mon.

Glenn: Oh, good. I thought you were- What's this?
Garrett: I gotta cover up the ceiling speakers. The key is to get sweaters thick enough to block out the sound. The tighter the knit, the less "Halloween Surfboard" gets through.
Glenn: Yeah, okay, good. Hey, listen. You know technology, right? Like you're plugged in, so, um, where are we on the timeline of robots having feelings, like, you know, anger or vengeance? I mean, [stammers]... Is that happening yet?
Garrett: Yeah, yeah, I don't know, maybe. You know, could be.

Amy: [Mario tube sound effect] [as Mario] One up! It's a me, a Mario! I eatsa the pasta. [normal voice] But Italians are so much more than just spaghetti and meatballs.

Mateo: Eleanor Roosevelt. Joy Behar. Marie Curie. Madonna.

Amy: There is the Sistine Chapel, penne arrabbiata.

Amy: The Venice canals and, uh, mozzarella sticks.

Jonah: If you look back to the midterm election results of 2006...
Man: Shoot your web.
Jonah: Oh, no, I'm not Spider-Man.
Man: Shoot it anyway.
Jonah: [scoffs] Thwip.
Man: Nice. [applause]