Amy: And, also, corporate is asking us to cut hours again. [all groan] Yes, I know. I agree. It sucks.
Marcus: We can barely keep up with everything there is to do now.
Glenn: Yeah, it already looks like the day after the Fyre Festival in here.
Mateo: I said the exact same thing yesterday.
Glenn: Oh, did you really? 'Cause I wasn't in Grocery at the time, so I couldn't have heard you.

Glenn: I can't believe Sandra would do something like that.
Cheyenne: I didn't think she had it in her. I borrowed her car, like, three years ago, and she still hasn't asked for it back.

Cheyenne: She's like a rebel.
Justine: She's like a total badass bitch.
Mateo: Oh, my God, is Sandra an icon now?
Justine: She's like a total badass bitch.
Mateo: Heard it both times, thanks.

Garrett: I don't know what I'm gonna do if they keep cutting back our hours. I got bills!
Marcus: I saw this methadone study that pays pretty well, but they said I'd have to get addicted to heroin first. So that's another expense.

Mateo: Excuse me? [scoffs] How do you know it's one of us?
Luanne: Well, all the posts came from the same MAC address, and that device was logged into the employee WiFi network.
Garrett: Who would be dumb enough to send incriminating tweets from the employee WiFi?
Glenn: Well, it wasn't me, because my phone is on airplane mode, and I do not know how to get it off.

Carol: Hi. If I know who the person is who was tweeting, who should I tell about that?
Jonah: That's- When you say "you"-
Amy: Are you- Are you saying you do?
Luanne: Excuse me. Who is it?
Carol: Her name is Sandra Kaluiokalani. That's spelled K-A-L... K... It's K-A-L... K-A-L-A, then I think it's "O." It's, um... It's K-A-L...
Luanne: Kalui...

Marcus: There she is!
Glenn: Hey! [applause]
Marcus: [chants] Sandra, Sandra, Sandra, S- [nobody joins in] Ugh, what is wrong with you people?

Amy: Okay, uh, Jay, I'm putting you in Grocery. Sandra, we haven't even started the Cosmetics reset, so can you get on that?
Sandra: Got it.
Amy: Okay, Carol I'm moving you off the register, and, Cheyenne, I need you in Jewelry.
Cheyenne: What? Then no one's covering Housewares.
Amy: I mean, if somebody finds a way to shoplift a couch, then they deserve it.
Dina: I get that that's a joke, but in all seriousness, guys, if you do see someone taking a couch, walkie oh-three-five. See something, say something.

Jonah: What do we think happened here?
Amy: Overdose?
Jonah: Ah, Bob didn't even drink. His wife's been flirting with that tennis pro over in Fitness with the big arms and no head. I'd start there.
Amy: I swear, it's like every time we solve one problem, another one pops up. I feel like I'm playing Whac-A-Mole. That can't still be a game, can it? With the hitting animals? Never mind.
Jonah: We're just too understaffed.
Amy: Yeah. No, I-I know. I keep telling corporate, but they just don't believe me.
Jonah: Yeah, because every time they cut hours, we push ourselves even harder to make it work, which they think just proves we never needed the hours to begin with, and so they just keep cutting and cutting until something like this happens.
Amy: Poor guy.
Jonah: He had kids.
Amy: He had kids?
Jonah: Yeah. They've been playing soccer over in Toys and Games for the last three months.

Justine: I was thinking of being a surrogate I mean, my womb is just sitting here empty.
Dina: Ooh, highly recommend! The money's good and your nipples get super sensitive.