Garrett: Okay, no. That's not happening. Look, Glenn, there are no problems. I made it all up. I was just trying to get some paid time off.
Glenn: You lied about mental distress?
Garrett: Yeah, I guess when you say it like that, it sounds really bad, but I just needed a break. Man, I'm tired. I just wanted a day off where I could just sit at home alone playing video games and not shower and eat pizza.
Glenn: That's how you spend your days off? Sitting in your apartment, alone?
Garrett: Well, I mean, I'm not really alone. I'm playing with the people online.
Glenn: Of course. That's basically like having friends.
Garrett: It is!
Glenn: Hey, I'm just glad that you don't have any problems. [walks off]
Garrett: I don't have any. And I'm not thinking about my life. I'm just being quiet 'cause you walked away.

Mateo: I actually know what it is 'cause I helped set it up.
Jonah: Well, we're all about to know what it is, so...
Mateo: I knew from before. I knew, like, two hours ago.

Dina: Okay, I'm gonna need more data before I guess. Otherwise, you're just giving me a free chance to be wrong.
Amy: Nobody's asking anybody to guess. Okay, Mateo, on three. Ready? One...
Mateo: It's a cereal bar!
Amy: Mateo, I just said...

Amy: It's a cereal bar!
Marcus: That's way better than a dog.
Cheyenne: But the dog that I was thinking of is massive.

Elias: [whistles]
Amy: Huh, look at that. People are literally whistling while they work. That cereal really changed the mood of this place.
Jonah: I don't know. For me, it just pales in comparison to the health benefits and pay raises they gave us.
Amy: What do you... Oh, I get it. You're being annoying. It's a small thing, but it makes peoples' day better.
Jonah: They're just distracting us with shiny objects.
Amy: Look, Jonah, I get it. Cloud 9 has trained us to be very suspicious of anything corporate does, but is there a small chance that this could possibly just be a gift to welcome us to the Z-Fam?
Jonah: Be careful. Pretty soon, you're gonna be saying that unironically.
Amy: Saying what? Z-Fam? Z-Fam.
Jonah: Stop it.
Amy: Z-Fam.
Jonah: People are gonna hear you.

Man: Ooh, wow. No annual fee? Limited time offer?
Garrett: Yup, very limited. That's why the guy in the picture has a flip phone.
Dina: Hey, Garrett, listen. The next guest in line, the one with the Z-System, steps up, I need you to act casual. He's a scam artist. He's been returning bogus items for months.
Man: Wow. Is this, like, a sting operation? Can I help?
Dina: You can say thank you and move along like a normal person.
Man: Yeah, okay, got it, got it. Thank you.
Benny: Hey. I'd like to return that, please.
Dina: Oh, sure, no problem. I do need you to sign a form, as it is a high-ticket item, so follow me and I'll get you your refund ASAP.
Man: I'm just shopping.

Jonah: Okay, guys, come on. We're talking about a billion dollar corporation here. I mean, how about giving us stuff that actually has an impact on our lives?
Sandra: Jonah has a point. I saw some pictures of Zephra's headquarters. It's so big, they have self-driving cars to get around the campus. We should all have those. We wouldn't have to take the bus to work.
Jonah: Well, I don't know that they're gonna give every employee a car, but what about a living wage?

Amy: Hey! How are things over here? Everyone happy with their cereal? Yeah, everyone feeling "Grr-eat?"
Justine: [laughs] Oh, my gosh. Speaking of cereal, you sound just like Tony the Tiger. Right?
Earl: Yeah.
Justine: You do!
Earl: Just like him.
Sayid: Amazing impression.
Amy: Yeah, no, I know. That's what I was trying to...

Garrett: Oh, you really flipped this little closet.
Mateo: Thank you.
Garrett: Probably gonna have to take that plant outside for sun every once in a while though.
Mateo: Oh, right. Sun. Ugh. This is already too much work. [knocks plant into the trash can] But it is better than being on the floor. Plus I'm already tapped in to the assistant gossip network. Like, I heard... [gasps] Never mind. I shouldn't say anything.
Garrett: Well, you want me to shut this door for you?
Mateo: Okay, fine! You know how Carol got suspended for... attempted cat-slaughter?
Garrett: Mm-hmm.
Mateo: Terri from HR told me that she got suspended with pay.
Garrett: What?
Mateo: I guess it's Zephra policy? Like, they're so afraid of a lawsuit, if they even hear the words "mental distress," they just give you paid leave, no questions asked.
Garrett: Seriously.
Mateo: Yeah. Also, she said that the manager at Hilldale has a micropenis. So it's been a pretty busy morning.

Dina: Please have a seat. I'll get right to processing your return. All I need from you is a confession. I know you've been scamming the store for months.
Benny: What do you got? Oh. Well, this is a handsome guy. But I have no idea what you're talking about.
Dina: Then you won't mind if I open this.
Benny: It's your space. You do you. [Dina opens box] Whoa. Rocks. It's a good thing I'm returning that. You guys should file a complaint with the company.
Dina: Okay. Listen...
Benny: Benny.
Dina: Listen, Benny, it's obvious you've been doing this for a while. You've got even weight distribution with the rocks, noise dampening padding, industrial shrink wrap.
Benny: You're impressed.
Dina: Hardly.
Benny: Well, it's a shame I'm innocent, because I would love to impress a woman like you.
Dina: You're just flirting with me to get out of trouble.
Benny: No, I'm flirting with you to get into trouble.
Dina: Oh. I feel like I'm in a full sweat. I ate some ghost peppers earlier. Just on toast. Like to cleanse the system, so I should probably just put my butt over a bowl, and... [exits]