‘California (Part 1)’
Season 5, Episode 21 - Aired April 9, 2020
While Amy has a job interview at Corporate, Dina tries to keep it secret from Jonah. Meanwhile, Mateo offers to organize a party for Cheyenne's 21st birthday, and Glenn tries to help Sandra adopt.
Quote from Dina
Jonah: [sighs] All right, I texted Amy and she's not responding, but there is obviously no such thing as an eye dead spot. Which I know because I looked it up.
Dina: All right, fine. I'll tell you the truth. She's not at the eye doctor. She's taking a saxophone lesson. She wants to surprise you with a smooth jazz version of a contemporary hit.
Jonah: Okay. Dina. You have to tell me where Amy is.
Dina: Totally. I'd love to. It's just that... Brett is biting it so hard at being the Easter Bunny. Look at him. He's garbage. I gotta go tag in.
Jonah: No, I... I know you're lying! Brett was born to wear that suit!
Quote from Cheyenne
Cheyenne: Oh, we could get, like, a Red Bull fountain. Ooh, or we could have, like, a bunch of lizards there but, like, you could get 'em high and see what they do.
Mateo: All I'm saying is that 21 is literally the last good age, so this party needs to be a little elevated. Maybe a string quartet? Ooh, butter in a sophisticated shape?
Cheyenne: Oh. Okay, cool. Yeah, so, like, one of those parties with, like, wine and coats. Like, people are like, "Oh, where do I put my coat?" and someone says, "Oh, just put it in Donna's room."
Mateo: It doesn't have to be stuffy. Just nice. We could do specialty cocktails.
Cheyenne: Or we could tape a fifth of Fireball to every guest's hand and then whoever finishes last has to roll all the joints or call the hospital.
Quote from Mateo
Mateo: Obviously, we're gonna have a red carpet area, although lately, purple's sort of having a day.
Cheyenne: Uh-huh.
Quote from Mateo
Mateo: Well, I didn't realize we were trying to get turnt. I can do turnt. What if we serve White Claws?
Quote from Amy
Jonah: I just think it's a little weird that you felt you had to hide the interview from me.
Amy: I just didn't wanna get into some big discussion about how we do it or what it meant. I mean, I figure I'm not gonna get the job anyway, and I was right. I mean, I don't think they liked it when I basically accused them of being racist.
Jonah: Yeah, well, you're better off.
Amy: Yeah, and who wants to go to California anyway? It's just, like, pretentious Florida.
Jonah: Ugh, totally. And the way they manage their water resources? Get out of here, California.
Amy: And their nice weather? Just... It makes you soft.
Jonah: Pass.
Quote from Amy
Amy: They loved my passion and my story. Apparently, I have a story. [laughs] And they're... they're gonna make me an offer.
Jonah: That's great. So what are you gonna tell 'em?
Amy: I mean, a high-paying corporate job where I'll never have to say the words "raccoon carcass" again? I think I... I think I might take it.
Quote from Dina
Dina: Hey. Did you hear Amy got that job? She's gonna be making so much more money than you.
Jonah: Yeah, well, she already does.
Dina: Yeah, but now she's really running up the score. Anyway, she's gonna kill it out in California. I mean professionally. She's gonna take a major hit in the hotness rankings.
Jonah: So you're okay with Amy leaving?
Dina: Me? Oh, no, I hate it. I'm gonna go home and stress eat an entire jar of olives. But this is pretty huge for her.
Jonah: Yeah. Yeah. It is, yeah. It's good that you're being so supportive. I went a different direction with it.
Dina: Really? Come on. You're a light-boned weakling who brings in no money. I mean, if you're not emotional support for Amy, then what's the point of you? I mean, I've seen you drive. That's a mess. You can't grow facial hair.
Jonah: Okay, I get it.
Dina: I think about you holding a hammer and try not to laugh. [laughs] I'm picturing it now. I wish you could see this. You're really struggling. [laughs]
Quote from Amy
Jonah: Hey. What's going on here?
Amy: Some kid bit the butt off every single one of these chocolate bunnies. Some future murderer I assume.
Jonah: Oh, 100%.
Quote from Amy
Amy: Well, I appreciate that. Because there's so much to think about. I mean, there's the kids and... [sighs] What am I gonna do about Emma's school? And then there's this guy that I'm seeing in St. Louis.
Jonah: [sighs] Well, maybe... that guy you're seeing should just... go with you.
Amy: Oh. Wow. You mean, like... like, he would just move to California? For me?
Jonah: Yeah, I mean, well... You know, why should you be the only one who gets a taste of that sweet public transpo?
Amy: Yeah, but their water resource management is...
Jonah: I can overlook it.
Amy: Okay. Yeah. Let's... Let's move to California together.
Jonah: Let's do it. And just to be clear, when you say "this guy you're dating in St. Louis," that's me, right, because if you're seeing somebody else, I'd prefer he not come with us. [they kiss] Okay. I was just... just checking.
Quote from Dina
Amy: Okay, look, I'm just gonna be gone for a couple hours, so I told Jonah I'm going to the eye doctor. Will you please just...
Dina: Got it. You're putting your trust in me and I will do everything in my power to ensure that Jonah does not find out.
Amy: Your powers are not really needed here. Just pretend like nothing is happening.
Dina: One performance of a lifetime coming right up.
Amy: There's no performance necessary.
Dina: Don't worry. I got this.
Amy: Just... less is more! [Dina exits] Nothing is best!