Sandra: You guys looking for the condoms?
Amy: Corey already said that.
Sandra: Hey, Corey, you stole my condom joke.

Glenn: I just keep thinking about Jonah and Amy kissing each other.
Dina: Okay... are you imagining that you're the Jonah or you're the Amy?
Glenn: What? No. I mean, Amy was married. I thought they were both good people, and then... and then they... they still wound up committing adultery.
Dina: I don't know why you're so shocked. People are basically just monsters hiding behind the thin veneer of social convention.
Glenn: Oh, come on. I mean, uh, yeah, sure, there's a few Naughty Nathans out there, but most people are basically good.

Dina: I watch security footage of people who don't know they're on camera. Do you have any idea how many customers have taken poops on the floor of the store because they think they're alone?
Glenn: I don't wanna know! Is it zero?
Dina: 17.
Glenn: Well, that's on me for asking.
Dina: People are monsters. Take away the threat of punishment, and you'd be horrified by what people admitted to doing.

Dina: One of you has committed a serious malfeasance, and I'm not talking about Amy's adultery.
Amy: All right, "adultery" is a strong word.
Glenn: Heck yeah it is.
Dina: What I'm talking about is something else. This is a fireable offense.
Glenn: However, we're giving that person one chance. You come forward today, admit what you did, and we will forget everything.
Isaac: Okay, but how do we know if the thing that we did is the thing you're talking about?
Dina: That's why anyone who comes to us today and admits to doing something wrong will be granted full amnesty.
Mateo: How do we know if you tell you something, you're not gonna, you know, call Corporate or the government or something?
Cheyenne: Yeah, sounds like a trap.
Glenn: No, I promise, you will not be punished, I swear on the... on the grave of my father. [dissatisfied murmuring]
Dina: I swear on my birds. [murmurs of agreement]
Jonah: She does love birds.

Glenn: Well, it's been over an hour and not one employee has confessed, and I found a dollar on the floor, so eat peas.
Dina: Ooh, an American dollar? It's all cryptocurrency now, ya dino.

Mateo: So, um, I might have done something wrong, but, um, I'm not sure if it's the same thing you guys are talking about.
Glenn: Well, why don't you just tell us what it is?
Dina: Then we'll tell you if your thing is the same thing we're talking about.
Mateo: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, or, uh... why don't you tell me your thing first, then I'll say if it's the same thing as... my thing? I mean, that sounds better to me.
Dina: How 'bout this, you tell us the first letter of your thing, and then we'll know if we're on the same page.
Mateo: Okay, fine. Um, the letter "U"?
Glenn: Yes, "U." The thing we know about also starts with "U."
Mateo: Okay, now give me the second letter, and then we can just go back and forth.
Dina: Just tell us what you know!
Mateo: You tell me what you know!
Glenn: Utah!

Myrtle: I stole a pack of Sour Cherry Bubblicious.
Glenn: Well, that's not too bad.
Myrtle: I liked the Sour Cherry, because it reminded me of a Jollytime Zabra-Dabra. My uncle Frank worked for the Jollytime Factory.

Myrtle: An electrical spark at the factory ignited the corn starch, causing a big explosion on the third floor... Maybe it was the fourth floor.
Glenn: What floor did Uncle Frank work on?
Myrtle: The fourth floor!
Glenn: No! Oh, gosh.
Myrtle: Yes.

Carol: Hey, you okay? Guy trouble is not fun.
Kelly: Oh, uh, yeah, thanks, but Jonah and I are... we're totally fine.
Carol: Oh, that's great. Well, I just want you to know I have your back.
Kelly: That's really sweet.
Carol: Should we do something to Amy's car?
Kelly: What?
Carol: Or wait... she has a daughter, right? Oh, she loves that daughter.
Kelly: Yeah, I... I like her daughter too. [backs away]
Carol: It's always gonna be people like us against the Amy's and the Sandra's of the world. We're the same. You and I are the same.
Kelly: [keeps backing away] Yep.
Carol: Careful.

Jonah: Except we didn't actually kiss. The whole thing just got blown out of proportion.
Kelly: But your lips were touching her lips...
Jonah: Yeah, yeah, yeah, but it... it's... it's like CPR, you know? If... if... if you're giving someone CPR, are you kissing them?
Kelly: Were you giving her CPR?
Jonah: No, no, look, we were just pretending we wanted to kiss, okay, so that people would stop saying we wanted to kiss. That sounds stupid.