Jonah: What about you, Ame? What are you... What's your biggest regret?
Amy: I guess I regret not going to college when I was younger so that I could have lots of stories to annoy my coworkers with.

Garrett: Hey, well, at least it's quiet. We don't have to listen to that stupid muzak they make us play.
Glenn: I actually kind of like the music. It makes me feel like I'm on hold all day.
Garrett: Glenn, you like everything about this store. That's weird, man.
Glenn: Well... I don't like everything about this store. Truth be told, the backsplash in the employee's bathroom, It's, like, B-minus, at best.
Garrett: That's the only thing that bugs you about this company?
Glenn: Well, I guess the aisles are a bit too close together... and sometimes the folks in charge don't treat me like I'm a human being with feelings.
Garrett: Mm-hmm.
Cheyenne: Yeah, that's a bummer.

Glenn: Sturgis and Sons was a community. Customers would be like, "Hi, Glenn. Do you have a screw in such-and-such a size?" And I'd say, "I think so. Maybe ask my dad." It was paradise.
Mateo: You know what else I regret? That time...
Glenn: And then this chain moves in. I mean, where do they get off? Keep us late in... locked in the dark, you know, all in service of the bottom line.
Garrett: Yeah. Go.
Glenn: I hate this tie.
Garrett: Yeah.
Glenn: I hate this shirt!
Garrett: Okay.
Amy: Isn't that his shirt?
Garrett: Oh, you're going a little too far now.
Glenn: And I hate Regional Manager Dicky Larson. But you know what I hate most of all? I hate Cloud 9. I hate Cloud 9!

Glenn: Oh, no, this is damaged. Guess we can't sell these. Right. It's a party, mother-fathers, sponsored by Sturgis and Sons!

Cheyenne: Never have I ever...
Garrett: Uh-huh.
Cheyenne: Stocked ice cream.
Jonah: Okay, but... You know, like that, but, like, a little more edgy. You know, like, not this, but, "Never have I ever eaten human flesh." [Mateo drinks] Oh, no, no, no. You drink if you have done it.
Mateo: Mm-hmm. I understand.

Dina: I have another one. Never have I ever hooked up in the store. [all except Dina drink] Really?
Glenn: You remember last week when Jerusha came by to talk about the mortgage?
Dina: Oh.
Glenn: In my office?
Garrett: Yeah, boy.
Dina: Gross.
Glenn: Wait, wait. There's more. We had sex.
Garrett: Yeah, man.

Cheyenne: Bo and I... photo lab... seven months ago.
Glenn: Oh.
Mateo: Oh, my god, the photo lab is a great spot.
Cheyenne: Yeah.
Jonah: What? Really?
Mateo: Yeah, it's dark. It's private. Sometimes you get to see people's naked photos.
Amy: When I first started here, we just called the lab the "bang room" because, you know... the banging. [softly] I banged in there.
Garrett: [softly] Okay.
Jonah: Really?
Amy: [chuckles] I did.
Dina: So the photo lab, huh? Cool. Cool, cool.

Amy: [over PA] Here we've got newcomer Mateo. Sizzling in a fashion-forward take on Cloud 9 nightwear. Work it, Mateo. And now we have Glenn, rocking the "Don't Let Him Near Your Children Collection." Oh, shake what the good lord gave you, Glenn. And here's Myrtle, carrying a bicycle tire. She doesn't seem to know what we're doing here, but she is owning it. Thank you, Myrtle.

Dina: Can you make me look like her?
Mateo: Like a Black woman? I'm not a witch. You don't need all that. You are pretty.
Dina: Oh, I'm a solid 8.25. In high school, I was voted third-prettiest girl in my ROTC unit. Pretty's not the problem.
Mateo: Just trust me.
Dina: It's just, ever since my dad left me at that gas station, it's so hard to trust.
Mateo: Okay, here we go.

Jonah: Hey, what you doing up there? Looks like you might get hurt.
Amy: You don't get to tell me what to do.
Jonah: I wasn't telling you what to do.
Amy: You are not my boss. I am your boss, college boy.
Jonah: I just thought maybe... It's a little dangerous being...
Amy: By the way, I got into college too - a good one - when I was 18. [imitates explosion]
Jonah: That's great.
Amy: I just got pregnant. And then I got married, and then Adam had dreams, and somebody had to pay the bills, so here I am, spinning around on this... endless... Oh, God. [vomits]
Jonah: For what it's worth, that was shaping up to be a really nice metaphor. [Amy retches]