George: Elaine, you don't understand. I had 103 temperature when I bought that sweater. I was so dizzy, I was seeing red dots everywhere. I thought everything in the store had a red dot on it. I couldn't distinguish one red dot from the other. I couldn't afford anything. I have nothing. I haven't worked for a really long time. [Jerry takes out a handkerchief to wipe his phony tears] I mean look, I have no clothes, look at what I'm wearing. It's just a little red dot.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I was in the men's room the other day and they had the hand blower, instead of the paper towels. You know this thing? I like the hand blower, I have to say. It takes a little bit longer, but I feel when you're in a room with a revolting stench you want to spend as much time as you can.
Dick: The only stench is coming from you.
Audience: Ooh.
Jerry: Oh, wait a second, I believe we have a heckler ladies and gentlemen. Hey, Dick, look I don't know what your problem is. It's not my fault you're back on the wagon.
Dick: It's off the wagon.
Jerry: Well, in the old days how do you think they got the alcohol from town to town?
Dick: I don't know.
Jerry: On a wagon. Don't you think they broke into a couple of those bottles along the way?
Dick: You can't drink on a wagon. It would be too bumpy.
Jerry: They had smooth trails. What about the Cumberland Gap?
Dick: What the hell do you know about wagons?
Jerry: Well, I know enough not to get on them.

George: There's Elaine.
Jerry: See that guy he's talking with? That's her new boyfriend.
George: Really? They work here in the office?
Jerry: Yeah. They're having a little fling so don't say anything.
George: Who am I going to tell? My mother? Like I've got nothing better to talk about.
Jerry: You don't.

Elaine: I though I'd never find it.
George: Well, today's your lucky day.
Elaine: No. Today's your lucky day.
George: It will be my first one.
Elaine: You want to work here?
George: What?
Elaine: Yeah, one of the readers left and there's a job opening. Dick, this is Jerry and this is George.
Dick: Hi, nice to meet you. [to Elaine] Is this the guy?
Jerry: "The guy?"
Elaine: (softly) Dick.

George: How can you just get it?
Elaine: My boss told me to find someone. I'm in charge of it. All you have to do is meet him. Come on. Come on. Come on. Here, hold my drink.
Jerry: Cranberry juice?
Elaine: And vodka.
Dick: I got the cranberry juice. So... you're Jerry.
Jerry: So... I'm Jerry.

Elaine: Where's my drink?
Jerry: There. [to George] So, how did it go?
George: I think he was impressed.
Elaine: No, no. No, this is just cranberry juice.
Jerry: Oh, uh, I think maybe Dick picked up yours.
Elaine: Dick? He can't drink. He's an alcoholic. I told you to hold it.
Jerry: I didn't know you meant hold it... I thought you meant hold it.
Elaine: One drink like that and he could fall right off the wagon.
George: Told you.

George: You think she would care about the red dot?
Jerry: It's hard to say.
George: I don't even think she'd notice it. Can you see it?
Jerry: Well, I can see it.
George: Yeah, but you know where it is.
Jerry: Well, what do you want me to do? Not look at it?
George: Pretend you didn't know it was there. Can you see it?
Jerry: It's hard to pretend because I know where it is.
George: Well, just take an overview. Can't you just take an overview?
Jerry: You want me to take an overview?
George: Please.
Jerry: I see a very cheap man holding a sweater trying to get away with something. That's my overview.

Jerry: Yeah, so?
Elaine: He's acting very strangely. I think he started drinking again.
Jerry: Oh, boy. Can you smell it?
Elaine: No. I can't smell it.
Jerry: Well, if you can't smell it then he hasn't been drinking.
Elaine: You don't always smell someone from a drink.
Jerry: Yes, you do.
Elaine: What about one drink? Would you smell it from one drink?
Jerry: Yes, you would.

Jerry: Would you do me a favor?
Kramer: Okay.
Jerry: Would you take a drink and let us smell you?
Kramer: You can smell me without the drink.
Elaine: I suspect that this guy I'm seeing might be drinking but I can't smell it.
Kramer: Okay, well what am I drinking? What do you got?
Jerry: I got a bottle of scotch my uncle gave me. It's Hennigan's. It's been here for two years. I've been using it as a paint thinner.
Kramer: [drinks] All right.
[Elaine and Jerry lean in close to Kramer to sniff]
Jerry: I don't smell anything.
Elaine: Maybe we're too close to the bottle.

Elaine: Oh, George, this is beautiful. Is this cashmere?
George: Of course it's cashmere.
Elaine: Oh, I love cashmere.
George: Well, who doesn't?
Elaine: My, George this must have cost a fortune.
George: Ah, money.
Elaine: Jerry, how could you let him spend so much money?
Jerry: I tried to stop him. I couldn't. He just wants to make people happy.
Elaine: George, this is one of the nicest things anyone has ever given me.
George: Well good, good. Take it off you're going to wear it out already. It's for special occasions this thing.