Jerry: I didn't know she had a pony. How was I to know she had a pony? Who figures an immigrant's going to have a pony? Do you know what the odds are on that? I mean, in all the pictures I saw of immigrants on boats coming into New York harbor, I never saw one of them sitting on a pony. Why would anybody come here if they had a pony? Who leaves a country packed with ponies to come to a non-pony country? It doesn't make sense! Am I wrong?

Helen Seinfeld: She just had a check-up. The doctor said she was fine. Unless...
Jerry: What?
Helen Seinfeld: What? Nothing.
Jerry: You don't think...? What? The pony remark?
Helen Seinfeld: Oh, don't be ridiculous. She was an old woman.
Jerry: You don't think that I killed her?
Morty Seinfeld: You know what the flight back'll cost us?
Jerry: It was just an innocent comment! I didn't know she had a pony!
Morty Seinfeld: Maybe we can get an Army transport flight. They got a base in Sarasota, I think.

Jerry: I know, and then you say to yourself, "From this moment on, I'm not going to waste any more of it." But then you go, "How? What can I do that's not wasting it?"
Elaine: Well, is this a waste of time? What should we be doing? Can't you have coffee with people?

George: Who's going to play left field?
Jerry: Bender.
George: Bender? He can't play left. He stinks. I just don't see what purpose is it going to serve your going? I mean, you think dead people care who's at the funeral? They don't even know they're having a funeral. It's not like she's hanging out in the back going, "I can't believe Jerry didn't show up."
Elaine: Maybe she's there in spirit. How about that?
George: If you're a spirit, and you can travel to other dimensions and galaxies, and find out the mysteries of the universe, you think she's going to want to hang out at Drexler's funeral home on Ocean Parkway?
Elaine: George, I met this woman! She is not traveling to any other dimensions.
George: Do you know how easy it is for dead people to travel? It's not like getting on a bus. One second. It's all mental.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: What is the pony? What is the point of the pony? Why do we have these animals, these ponies? What do we do with them? Besides the pony ride. Why ponies? What are we doing with them? I mean, police don't use them for, you know, crowd control. "Hey, uh, you wanna get back behind the barricades. Hey! Hey, little boy. Yeah, I'm talking to you. Behind the barricades!" So somebody, I assume, genetically engineered these ponies. Do you think they could make them any size? I mean, could they make them like the size of a quarter, if they wanted? That would be fun for Monopoly, though, wouldn't it? Just have a little pony and you put him on the, "Baltic, that's two down, go ahead. Hold it. Right there, Baltic. yeah, that's it. Fine. Right there, hold it right there."

Helen Seinfeld: You have so many nice jackets. I don't know why you had to bring this jacket. Who wears a jacket like this? [Morty is silent] What's wrong with that nice gray one? You have beautiful clothes. They sit in your closet. Morty, you can't wear this! [phone rings]
Morty Seinfeld: Are you getting that?
Helen Seinfeld: I thought you were getting it.
Morty Seinfeld: Should I pick up?
Helen Seinfeld: You want me to get that?
Morty Seinfeld: I'll get it!
Helen Seinfeld: I'll get it!

Jerry: Would you make this thing lower! I can hear it on the street! (Turns it off)
Morty Seinfeld: So, how'd you do?
Jerry: We won. I made an incredible play in the field! There was a tag-up at third base and I threw the guy out from left field on a fly! We'll be in the championship game Wednesday because of me. It was the single greatest moment of my life.
Helen Seinfeld: This is your greatest moment? A game?
Jerry: Well, no. Sharon Besser, of course.

Morty Seinfeld: You know, I spoke to Manya and Isaac on the phone today. They invited you again. I think you should go.
Jerry: First of all, I made plans with Elaine.
Helen Seinfeld: So bring her.
Jerry: I don't even know them. What is she, your second cousin? I mean, I've met them three times in my life.
Morty Seinfeld: I don't know her either. She makes me fly all the way from Florida for this, and then she criticizes my jacket.
Helen Seinfeld: At least come and say hello, have a cup of coffee, then you'll leave.
Morty Seinfeld: How come he gets to leave?

Uncle Leo: So now the Parks Commissioner is recommending Jeffrey for a citation.
Jerry: Right. For reducing the pond scum?
Uncle Leo: No, for the walking tours.
Jerry: Oh, yeah. The, uh, where the people eat the plant life, the edible foliage tour.
Uncle Leo: That's exactly right. He knows the whole history of the park. For two hours he's talking and answering questions. But you want to know something? Whenever he has a problem with one of these high-powered big shots in the Parks Department, you know who he calls?
Jerry: Mickey Mantle?

Elaine: Jerry, Jerry. Did you taste these peas? These peas are great!
Jerry: These peas are bursting with country-fresh flavor.
Elaine: Mmm, phenomenal peas.