Russell: So, what have you two come up with?
Jerry: Well, we've thought about this in a variety of ways. But the basic idea is I will play myself-
George: [interrupting] May I?
Jerry: Go ahead.
George: I think I can sum up the show for you with one word: nothing.
Russell: Nothing?
George: Nothing.
Russell: What does that mean?
George: The show is about nothing.
Jerry: Well, it's not about nothing.
George: No, it's about nothing.
Jerry: Well, maybe in philosophy. But, even nothing is something.

Russell: No stories? So, what is it?
George: What did you do today?
Russell: I got up and came to work.
George: There's a show. That's a show.
Russell: How is that a show?
Jerry: Well, uh, maybe something happens on the way to work.
George: No, no, no. Nothing happens.
Jerry: Well, something happens.
Russell: Well, why am I watching it?
George: Because it's on TV.
Russell: Not yet.
George: Okay, uh, look, if you want to just keep on doing the same old thing, then maybe this idea is not for you. I, for one, am not going to compromise my artistic integrity. And I'll tell you something else, this is the show and we're not going to change it. [to Jerry] Right?
Jerry: [to Russell, after a moment] How about this, I manage a circus..

Newman: What's the matter with you? I just talked to you fifteen minutes ago.
Kramer: What about?
Newman: The courthouse. You gotta go with me to the courthouse. I'm contesting the ticket today.
Kramer: I can't, I'm going to the doctor's later.
Newman: You gotta go with me. I mean, you-you're my alibi. You have to take the stand.
Kramer: Well, I can't!
Newman: Well, let me remind you of something. You wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for me and my helmet. I saved your life! You would be dead! Dead! You would cease to exist! You would be gone for the rest of eternity! Can you even begin to comprehend what that means?

George: That's insulting. Ted Danson makes $800,000 an episode.
Jerry: Oh, would you stop with the Ted Danson?
George: Well, he does.
Jerry: You're nuts!
George: I'm sorry. I can't live knowing Ted Danson makes that much more than me. Who is he?
Jerry: He's somebody.
George: What about me?
Jerry: You're nobody.
George: Why him? Why not me?
Jerry: He's good. You're not.
George: I'm better than him.
Jerry: You're worse. Much, much worse.

George: What'd they do for toilet paper during the civil war?
Jerry: What?
George: I wonder what toilet paper was like in the 1860s. Did they-? Did they carry it in rolls in their duffel bags?
Jerry: Every thing with you comes down to toilet paper.
George: What?
Jerry: That's always the first question with you. Why is that always your focus?
George: All right. Then what did they do?
Jerry: I don't know. Maybe they gave out big loose clumps to all the soldiers.
George: Well, I think it would be nice if there was some sort of historical record of it.
Jerry: Maybe they should have a toilet-paper museum. Would you like that? So we could see all the toilet-paper advancements down through the ages. Toilet paper during the Crusades. The development of the perforation. The first six-pack.

Jerry: You know, we're supposed to be there by two o'clock. We should take a cab.
George: All right, we'll be a little late. I'm not taking a cab.
Jerry: I'll pay for it.
George: It's not the money.
Jerry: Well, what is it you object to? The comfort? The speed? The convenience?

Newman: I had gone up to Westchester. I go there every Tuesday. I do charity work with the blind in my spare time for the Lighthouse. I was in the middle of a game of Parcheesi with an old blind man and I excused myself to call my friend as he was very depressed lately because he never became a banker.
Judge: I don't understand.
Newman: You see, it had been his lifelong dream to be a banker. And he uh, just the day before, he was turned down by another bank. I believe it was the Manufacturer's Hanover on Lexington and 40th Street. That was the third bank in two weeks to turn him down, so I was a little concerned. I wanted to see how he was doing. Well, Your Honor, he was barely audible. But I distinctly recall him say...
Kramer: [involuntarily] Yo-Yo Ma!
Newman: So I sped home to save my friend's life and I was stopped for speeding. Yes, I admit I was speeding, but it was to save a man's life. A close friend. An innocent person who wanted nothing more out of life than to love, to be loved and to be a banker.
Judge: So then he didn't kill himself?
Newman: No, sir, he did not. But only by the grace of God. He's in the courtroom today, [stands up, points to Kramer], sitting right over there. And he can corroborate my entire testimony.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Parents like to drag kids to these historical sights on vacation. I remember going to Colonial Williamsburg and you see the supposedly authentic blacksmith there. You know, he's got the three-cornered hat, and the knickers, and the Def Leppard t-shirt. My parents took me to the Amish country, which, you know, to a kid, you see a bunch of people that have no cars, no TVs, no phones, they go "So what? Neither do I." So it's a whole community that's been grounded. So that's the way they should punish the kid after they get home, "All right, kid, get up to your room. You are Amish, young man. For the rest of the weekend, Amish. Don't come down till you make some noodles and raise a barn."

George: They want you to do a TV show?
Jerry: Well, they want me to come up with an idea. I mean, I don't have any ideas.
George: Come on. How hard is that? Look at all the junk that's on TV. You want an idea? Here's an idea. You coach a gymnastics team in high school. And you're married. And your son's not interested in gymnastics, and you're pushing him into gymnastics.
Jerry: Why should I care if my son's into gymnastics?
George: Because you're a gymnastics teacher. It's only natural.
Jerry: But gymnastics is not for everybody.
George: I know, but he's your son.
Jerry: So what?
George: All right, forget that idea. It's not for you.

George: Okay, okay, I got it. You run an antique store.
Jerry: Yeah. And...?
George: And people come in the store and you get involved in their lives.
Jerry: What person who runs an antique store gets involved in people's lives?
George: Why not?
Jerry: So someone comes in to buy an old lamp and all of a sudden I'm getting them out of a jam? I could see if I was a pharmacist. Because a pharmacist knows what's wrong with everybody that comes in.
George: I know, but antiques are very popular right now.
Jerry: No, they're not, they used to be.
George: Oh, sure, like you know.
Jerry: Oh, like you do.