Jerry: I'm gonna call the cops. That's what I'm doing, I'm calling the cops.
Kramer: The cops? What are you calling the cops for? They're not going to do anything!
Jerry: What do you mean they're not going to do anything? They're the cops. They gotta do something, he just put the kibosh on me, do you know what the kibosh means? It's a kibosh!
Kramer: [indiscernible muttering] Kibosh.

Elaine: Oh, God. Oh, it's you. You scared me.
Joe: Good. Fear is our most primal emotion.
Elaine: You left your door open.
Joe: I know, I like to encourage intruders.
Elaine: [laughs] What's all this?
Joe: Do you like it? My home is a shrine to you.
Elaine: Where did you get all these pictures?
Joe: I took them myself with a telephoto lens. Coming out of your office, your apartment, shopping, showering.
Elaine: Showering?
Joe: I developed them myself in my dark room. Would you like to see?
Elaine: In the dark room? Uh, no. No, thank you. Not right now. I'm a day person.

Elaine: Are you all right?
Joe: Why
Elaine: Well, I don't know. You just don't seem yourself?
Joe: Who am I? Who am I supposed to be?
Elaine: That's a good question, good question, it's very... existential. Who are you? Who am I? Well...

Elaine: Oh, dammit. You know, I just remembered I gotta go. I left something on. The gas, the lights, the water in the tub. Something is on somewhere, so I'm just gonna get the, uh..
Joe: Do you know the story of Pagliacci, Nedda?
Elaine: Uh, I'm Elaine!
Joe: He's a clown whose wife is unfaithful to him.
Elaine: Oh.
Joe: Do you think I'm a clown, Nedda?
Elaine: Do I think you're a clown? No, not if it's bad to be a clown. If it's bad to be a clown, then you are definitely not a clown. But if it's good to be a clown then I would, you know, have to rethink the whole thing.
Joe: You've betrayed me with another, haven't you, Nedda? Who is he. I want you to tell me who he is. I want his name. Tell me his name.
Elaine: Oh, like any man would ever look at me, come on, I'm gonna... [Joe blocks the door] get out of here.
Joe: Pagliacci kills his wife.
Elaine: See, now that's terrible. That is not a nice thing to do at all. I don't know how this Paliachi thing turns out. But, you know, I would assume that there is big big trouble for that clown
Joe: You're not leaving.
[Elaine sprays Joe in the eyes. As he falls back, she rushes out of his apartment.]

Jerry: Well, well, look at you. It's a little skimpy there isn't it?
George: Do you know the last time I wore this thing? Six years ago, when I made that toast at Bobby Leighton's wedding.
Jerry: Ooh, that was a bad toast.
George: It wasn't that bad.
Jerry: I never heard anybody curse in a toast.
George: I was trying to loosen them up a little bit.
Jerry: There were old people there. All the relatives. You were like a Red Fox record. I mean, at the end of the toast nobody even drank. They were just standing there, they were just frozen! That might have been one of the worst all time toasts.
George: All right, still her father didn't have to throw me out like that. He could have just asked me to leave. The guy had me in a headlock!

Jerry: Well, what about me? If you're going like that, I'm not going like this.
George: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Do you think I'm comfortable here. I can't change, I've got no clothes here! You've got to go like that, I cant go like this alone!
Jerry: Why should I be uncomfortable just because my apartment is closer to town hall than yours?
George: That's not the issue. We're friends, if I've got to be uncomfortable, you've got to be uncomfortable too!
Jerry: All right, all right. I'll wear this. It's bad enough I've got to go to the opera, I've got to sit next to Ozzie Nelson over here.

Jerry: You sprayed him in the eyes with Binaca?
Elaine: Cherry Binaca. It's new.
Jerry: See, I don't get that. First they come out with the regular. Then a year later, they come out with the cherry. They know that we like the cherry, start with cherry! Then come out with the regular!

Jerry: Hey, hey. What are you doing? That's my quarter.
Man: No, it's not. It's mine.
Jerry: I was just flipping it, it's mine.
Man: No, I dropped it, it's mine.
Jerry: All right, do you want the quarter? Take the quarter, but don't try and tell me it's yours.
Man: Well, it is mine.
Jerry: What, do you think I care about the money? Is that what you think? You want me to show you what I care about money? Here look. Here look at this. Here's a dollar here. Look, [rips dollar] there, that's how much I care about money.
Man: You think I care about money? [rips money] That's how much I care about money, I don't care about money.
Jerry: Oh, yeah? Well, why don't you just get lost?
Man: Why don't you get lost?
Jerry: Because I was standing here, that's why.
Man: Oh, yeah?
Jerry: Yeah! [The man walks away] I kinda like this opera crowd, I feel tough. Anybody else got a problem?

Kramer: I got two. I got two. Paliachi, who needs two? Pagliacci, come on, the great tragic clown. Come on, check it out. He laughs, he cries, he sings, Pagliacci. Hey, I got two beauties right here, check it out, all
right.
Man: Hey, hey.Are you selling.
Kramer: Oh yeah, I'm selling.
Man: Where are they?
Kramer: Orchestra, Row G, dead center, primo! You'll think you died and went to heaven.
Man: What do you want for them.
Kramer: All right, I'll tell you what I'll do. Cause you look like a nice guy, a thousand dollars for the deuce.
Man: I'll give you five hundred for the pair.
George: Yeah, it's a deal!
Kramer: Pfft. No.
George: No? Are you crazy?
Kramer: Look, let me handle this.
George: Five hundred dollars, that's a great deal!
Kramer: You're blowing this. The guy's a pigeon. [The man walks away]
George: Did you see that? The guy's walking away. What is wrong with you? That was a three hundred dollar profit.
Kramer: Look, I know what I'm doing here, George.
George: This is not a Metallica concert. It's an opera, all right. A little dignity, a little class. Just give me my ticket, I will stand over here and sell it.

Jerry: So, can you believe that message? Now, I've got to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Elaine: Me too.
Jerry: Crazy Joe Davola
Elaine: How do you know his name?
Jerry: What do you mean? Why wouldn't I know his name?
Elaine: I never told you his name.
Jerry: I never told you his name.
Elaine: Wait a second. Who are we talking about here?
Jerry: Joe Davola.
Elaine: Right, Joe Davola.
Jerry: How do you know his name?
Elaine: I've been out with him three times. I should know the man's name.
Jerry: Oh, my God, it's Joe Davola.