George: It's a huge problem, Jerry. The hardest part about having sex with a woman is getting her to come back to your place! He's already got that.
Jerry: Well, maybe he's...
George: No. Believe me, he's not.
Jerry: So he's an eligible receiver?
George: She's confiding in him about our dates. You always like the person you talk to about the date more than the date! It's just a matter of time till they realize, "Hey, we could have sex."
Jerry: What's stopping them?
George: Exactly! You know how they get animals to reproduce in captivity? They just put them in the same cage.

Newman: I can't think. There's all this noise.
Kramer: Or is it because I've built a stronghold around Greenland? I've driven you out of Western Europe and I've left you teetering on the brink of complete annihilation.
Newman: I'm not beaten yet. I still have armies in the Ukraine.
Kramer: [chuckles] Yeah? The Ukraine. Do you know what the Ukraine is? It's a sitting duck. A road apple, Newman. The Ukraine is weak. It's feeble. I think it's time to put the hurt on the Ukraine.
Ukrainian Man: I come from Ukraine. You not say Ukraine weak.
Kramer: Yeah, well we're playing a game here, pal.
Ukrainian Man: Ukraine is game to you?! How about I take your little board and smash it!

Kramer: Guess what? I saw Newman talking to the super.
Jerry: So what?
Kramer: The super has keys to your apartment. Don't you see what's going on? Newman is planning a sneak attack.
Jerry: Oh. Maybe he's got no hot water.
Kramer: Yeah, all right, fine. You sit there and you watch while Newman takes over the world. But he'd be a horrible leader. And you know who's gonna suffer? The little people. You and George.

Kramer: We have to put the board in a neutral place where no one will tamper with it.
Jerry: So that's here?
Kramer: Yes, yes. You're like Switzerland.
Jerry: I don't wanna be Switzerland.
Kramer: Jerry, Newman and I are engaged in a epic struggle for world domination. It's winner take all. People cannot be trusted.
Newman: Don't look at me.
Kramer: Oh, I'm looking right at you, big daddy.

Jerry: What are you gonna do about it?
Elaine: I don't know, I guess I'll just get invited up to his apartment and see if he's got a label maker.
Jerry: Why'd you get him a gift anyway?
Elaine: Oh, he did some dental work for me and he didn't charge me so I thought I'd get him a Christmas present.
Jerry: Yeah. Well, if you're getting him anything for his birthday, I'm a large.

Jerry: What does he look like?
George: Oh, that's the worst part of it. He looks just like me.
Jerry: He looks like you and he's working from the inside?
George: I look like me and I'm working from the outside. Who do you think is in the better position?
Jerry: Not you.
George: Ho ho. This bizarre Harrad Experiment experiment must end!

George: I gotta find a way to work this out, I love that apartment. It's so cozy, I'm ensconced in velvet. You know, if it were socially acceptable...
Jerry: I know, you would drape yourself in velvet.
George: I've said that before?
Jerry: Many times. You love velvet. You want to live in velvet. Everything with the velvet.

George: What's that?
Jerry: Oh, it's Risk. It's a game of world domination being played by two guys who can barely run their own lives.

George: Let me ask you something. When you come out of the shower and you put your robe on, do you cinch it real tight, are you concerned about that?
Bonnie: George?
George: Do you hold the neck together with one hand, or are you just letting it flap in the breeze?
Bonnie: George, you're being ridiculous.
George: What's the massage situation?
Bonnie: What do you mean?
George: Is there any work being done? Is there any rubbing, touching, finger manipulation on the other person, and if so, who's making the request?
Bonnie: George, would you just stop?
George: Say you go to the bathroom at two o'clock in the morning, what's the outfit? I mean, you dressing up or is it come as you are?
Bonnie: George, what is wrong with you?
George: I'll tell you what's wrong, a grown woman with a male roommate! It's unnatural. It's an abomination!

Jerry: Newman. He's going with Newman.
George: How does Tim Whatley even know Newman?
Jerry: Newman's his mailman.
George: Who goes to the Super Bowl with their mailman?!
Jerry: Who goes anywhere with Newman?!
George: Well, he's merry.
Jerry: He is merry, I'll give him that.