‘The Junk Mail’
Season 9, Episode 5 - Aired October 30, 1997
Kramer tries to get out of the postal system. George's parents start avoiding him. Jerry's friend gets him a van instead of a new Saab. Elaine falls for a guy in a fairy tale moment.
Quote from Frank Costanza
Estelle Costanza: Oh, Georgie, what are you doing here?
George: Just dropped in for a visit. You, uh, you never called me back.
Estelle Costanza: Uh... the phone broke.
Frank Costanza: Well, we got to get moving.
George: What? Where are you going?
Frank Costanza: We have a catered affair.
George: You're going like that?
Frank Costanza: It's creative black tie. Move, woman.
George: [checks the fridge] No Chinese leftovers. George is getting suspicious!
Quote from Kramer
Kramer: Check it out. Rain and sleet may not stop them, but let's see them get by these bricks.
[Kramer has filled the inside of his mail box with bricks]
Jerry: Where'd you get the bricks?
Kramer: Jerry, the whole building is brick.
Quote from Kramer
Kramer: Come on, Jerry, just let me help you.
Jerry: OK.
Kramer: All right! OK! Right, here we go. Yeah. OK, so... "For sale. A big, juicy van." And, ooh, you gotta put down, "interesting trades considered."
Jerry: I don't want to trade.
Kramer: No, you don't have to. It's all about tickling their buying bone.
Jerry: Hey, you know what? This is all your mail. They're putting it in my box now.
Kramer: Oh, that's it. They have gone too far. They keep pushing me and pushing me. Now I got no choice but to go down there... and talk to them.
Quote from Kramer
Kramer: [inspecting the van] So, how come you're selling it?
Jerry: You know why I'm selling it. I hate it.
Kramer: How many miles?
Jerry: Two.
Kramer: City or highway?
Jerry: Look, do you really want to buy this thing, or what?
Kramer: Hey, hey. Take it easy. I'm not gonna be pressured. I'll walk away right now. Is this thing bent? [breaks antenna] I'm not paying for that.
Quote from Kramer
Jerry: All right, just get out of here.
Kramer: All right, look. I'm going to be honest. I'm very interested in the van.
Jerry: Okay, fine. What do I have to do to put you in this van today?
Kramer: Well, I don't really have any money. But it says right here, "interesting trades considered".
Jerry: You put that in!
Kramer: And I'm glad I did. Here.
Jerry: You want to trade me an undershirt?
Kramer: No, I want to trade you screen legend Anthony Quinn's undershirt. He took this off to do sit-ups in the park and I nabbed it.
Jerry: That's disgusting.
Kramer: Well, it's my final offer.
Quote from Elaine
David Puddy: You dumped me for some idiotic TV pitchman.
Elaine: Look, I'm sorry, Puddy. It-it was a mistake. So, let's just put it behind us, and we can continue like this never happened.
David Puddy: Gee, I don't know. What if we're out somewhere and you see the Maytag repairman.
Elaine: You're not taking me back?
David Puddy: That's right. [leaves]
Elaine: He's not idiotic. He's the Wiz. And nobody beats him. Nobody.
Quote from Kramer
Jerry: Hey, how's the anti-mail campaign going?
Kramer: Oh, it's fantastic. We were out in front of the post office today, and not one person went in.
Jerry: It's Sunday.
George: Why is the mailman wearing a bucket?
Kramer: Huh? Well, it symbolizes our persecution.
George: Then... shouldn't you be wearing the bucket.
Quote from Elaine
Elaine: So I told him, "Hit the road. I'm going back with Jack."
Jack: Elaine, that's the second piece of good news today.
Elaine: Really, what was the first?
Jack: [grabs Wiz hat] They're bringing me back. Yeah. I'm the Wiz again.
Elaine: What?
Jack: [dances] I'm the Wiz! I'm the Wiz!
Elaine: Well what, what about your fact-checking job?
Jack: Oh, here's a fact. Uh, I'm... the Wiz! I'm the Wiz and nobody beats me!
Quote from Kramer
Postmaster General: Oh, my goodness. What have they done to you here?
Kramer: Huh? Who are you?
Postmaster General: Well, you can just call me Henry.
Kramer: Henry Atkins? The postmaster general?
Postmaster General: Last time I checked.
Kramer: Henry, can I get out of here now?
Postmaster General: Oh, oh. Sit a bit. Sit a bit. I mean, after all, I drove all the way up here from D.C. just to talk to you.
Kramer: Oh?
Postmaster General: I even had to cancel a round of golf with the secretary of state. Do you like golf, Mr. Kramer?
Kramer: Yeah.
Quote from Kramer
Postmaster General: Kramer, I've been, uh, reading some of your material here. I gotta be honest with you: you make a pretty strong case. I mean, just imagine. An army of men in wool pants running through the neighborhood handing out pottery catalogs, door to door. [laughs]
Kramer: [chuckles]
Postmaster General: Well, it's my job. And I'm pretty damn serious about it. In addition to being a postmaster, I'm a general. And we both know, it's the job of a general to, by God, get things done. So maybe you can understand why I get a little irritated when someone calls me away from my golf.
Kramer: I'm very, very sorry.
Postmaster General: Sure, you're sorry. I think we got a stack of mail out at the desk that belongs to you. Now, you want that mail, don't you Mr. Kramer?
Kramer: Sure do! [salutes]
Postmaster General: Now, that's better.
Kramer: [sees a postman with a bucket on his head] Geez. Newman?
Newman: [whimpers] Tell the world my story.