Jerry: You know, I do kinda wonder what fake breasts feel like.
Kramer: Well, I know what they feel like.
Jerry: You? How do you know?
Kramer: Well, I lived in Los Angeles for three months.
Elaine: [laughs] I thought you hated Los Angeles.
Kramer: I do! I just miss the warm weather, you know? Jeez. Oh man, I wish I could get away.
Jerry: Real busy now down at the office?
Kramer: No. Huh? You know who I saw at the health club? Salman Rushdie.
Elaine: [laughing] Yeah right, Salman Rushdie. Yeah, well, I can see that. You got five millions Muslims after you, you wanna stay in pretty good shape.

Elaine: So anyway, I stood up to shake her hand, then suddenly I lost my balance and I fell right into her.
Jerry: You fell on her?
Elaine: I touched them.
Jerry: You what?
Elaine: I... touched... them.
Jerry: You touched them?!
Elaine: I needed them to help me break my fall! If it hadn't been for them, I could have really injured myself!

George: [to clerk] You see, my friend here, his aunt passed away last night.
Clerk: [to Kramer] Oh, I'm very sorry.
Kramer: [sobbing] I saw her last week, she looked healthy and peaceful, but... she knew.
Clerk: You poor thing!
Kramer: I... [breaks into tears]
George: You don't think you can buy the ticket yourself...? No, there, there... You sit, and I'll purchase the ticket for you.
Clerk: You're a good friend.
George: I understand you offer a 50%-off 'bereavement' fare...?
Clerk: Yes, all you have to do is pay the full fare now, then return to any one of our counters with a copy of the death certificate, and we'll refund half your fare.
George: The death certificate?
Clerk: Yes. Yes, we do need documentation or you know, people could take advantage.
George: What kind of a sick person would do a thing like that?
Clerk: I know! But it happens.
George: You want my friend to ask his uncle, a man who just lost his wife of 44 years, for a death certificate so that he can save a few bucks on a flight?
Clerk: That would be $387 round-trip.
Kramer: [normal] All right, so you'll need my frequent flyer number, huh?
Clerk: Yes.

Kramer: It's like a sauna in here, huh? I feel like I'm... back at the desert.
Rushdie: You've lived in the desert?
Kramer: Oh, yeah. Yeah, I've, uh... I've spent a little time in the Mideast. You ever been to the Mideast?
Rushdie: Yes, I've been there.
Kramer: My name's Kramer.
Rushdie: Sal Bass. Pleased to meet you, Kramer.
Kramer: So, uh, what kind of work do you do?
Rushdie: I'm a writer.

Aunt May: Betsy, dear, have you had anything to eat?
Betsy: I'm not hungry.
Aunt May: They have some very nice snacks.
Father Jessup: I'm about to get myself a snack.
George: [to Betsy] Oh, no. You sit right here. I will get you a nice snack. [chuckles; walks over to the table]
Father Jessup: This is my, uh, third wake this month. Never gets any easier.
George: Well, losing a loved one is... I mean, forget about it. [eats furiously]
Father Jessup: You seem to be a great comfort to Betsy. We're very appreciative.
George: Oh, comfort, schmfort. Listen, Father, can I ask you a question? In a terrible time like this, who would I get the death certificate from?

Dr. Allenwood: Why do you need a death certificate?
George: Well, Dr, Allenwood, um.... I was hoping to compile an - admittedly, rudimentary - scrapbook of her life. Something that Betsy could have, and hold onto.
Dr. Allenwood: Well, I suppose I could make a copy of it.
George: Oh, that would be wonderful.
Dr. Allenwood: It was very nice meeting you, George.
George: Likewise.

Jerry: What are you doing here?
Elaine: I'm looking for Kramer.
Kramer: Yeah, she was just showing me pictures of places I can visit when I go to Puerto Rico. You know, when you two went down there?
Jerry: Oh. yeah. All right. [pushes Kramer and Elaine out the door] So, where were we?
Sidra: I was just leaving.
Jerry: Right, you were leaving.
Sidra: I can't believe you sent a woman into the sauna to do that.
Jerry: That was an accident!
Sidra: I think you're both mentally ill. [leaves, then returns] And by the way, they're real, and they're spectacular.

Clerk: All right sir, now all I need is a death certificate and you'll be on your way.
George: Well, you see, what happened was, um... The doctor... The very same doctor that was attending to my late aunt suffered an untimely stroke, and lost the use of his right hand, so... Obviously, I was unable to get the death certificate. However, I do have this. [takes out a Polaroid]
Clerk: What's this?
George: That's a picture of me next to the coffin.
Clerk: Nice try.
George: Not even close, huh?
Clerk: No.

Sidra: Oh, hi Jerry.
Jerry: Hi, Sidra. I usually last about ten minutes on a Stairmaster. Unless of course there's someone stretching in front of me in a leotard, then I can go an hour.
Sidra: Really.
Jerry: Oh, yeah. That's why they call it a Stairmaster. You get up there and you stare.

Elaine: She's the one you went out with last night?
Jerry: Yeah. I really like her.
Elaine: You know, uh, they're fake.
Jerry: What? Don't say that!
Elaine: No. They're fake!
Jerry: How do you know?
Elaine: I can tell. You know how you're always bragging how you can spot a lesbian?
Jerry: I'm not bragging. I happen to have a very keen lesbian eye. [a woman walks by] Hi, how you doing? [Jerry signals to Elaine about the woman]