Elaine: What am I gonna do? He is a disaster.
Jerry: Well, if he's doing that bad, maybe he's in line for another promotion.
Elaine: You know what? You are exactly right. That is what I should do. I should promote him. I'll give him another office on another floor, and he can sit there with his nice title and his bayonet, and stop freaking me out.

[As George plays his risk management book on tape, the narrator's voice sounds alarmingly like his own.]
Man: [on tape] Chapter one. In order to manage risk we must first understand risk. How do you spot risk? How do you avoid risk and what makes it so risky?
George: This guy sounds just like me.
Man: To understand risk, we must first define risk.
George: This is horrible.
Man: Risk is defined as--
George: [hits the recorder] Stop it! Stop it!

Eddie: Hey, I think I got something here for the Bengalese Galoshes.
Elaine: Oh.
Eddie: "It's tough keeping your feet dry when you're kicking in a skull."
Elaine: You know, Eddie, that might be just a tad harsh. For womenswear.
Eddie: Well, I'm not married to it.
Elaine: Oh. Well, um, in that case, why don't we take the phrase, "kicking in a skull" and we tweak it, you know, just a hair, to something like, what, like "strolling through a dewy meadow"?
Eddie: Dewy meadow.

Abby: Well, I started out working in mortgage bonds, but I just found that so limiting.
Jerry: My friend Kramer and I were discussing that same thing the other day. He was with Brant-Leland for a while.
Abby: Wow. Well, then my mentor suggested that I move into equities. It was the best move
I ever made.
Jerry: Mentor? You mean your boss.
Abby: Oh, no no no, Cynthia's just a successful businesswoman who's taken me under her wing.
Jerry: Hmm. So Cynthia's your mentor?
Abby: And I'm her protege. You must have someone like that. You know, who guides you in your career path.
Jerry: Well, I like Gabe Kaplan.

George: You know what? I can't do this. I can't read books anymore. Books on tape have ruined me, Jerry. I need that nice voice. This book has my voice. I hate my voice.
Jerry: So get this book on tape.
George: You can't. It's a textbook.

Elaine: [on the phone] Hey, Jer. Are you going to this Bob Sacamano party?
Jerry: Am I going? It was three nights ago.
Elaine: What? You're kidding, I just got this invitation today. Oh, I was so excited. It's really a beautiful invitation.
Jerry: Oh, it was a lovely affair.
Elaine: Wait a minute. This postmark is three weeks old. Man, this happens all the time. [over intercom] Jeanine? Who the hell runs the mailroom?
Jeanine: Eddie Sherman.
Elaine: All right, send him up here.
Jerry: You gonna do a little yelling?
Elaine: I'm gonna do a little firing.
Jerry: That is so cool, can you put me on the speaker?
Elaine: Oh yeah, sure. [hangs up] Give me a break.

Eddie: You wanted to see me?
Elaine: Eddie. Yes, um, I am so sorry, but I'm afraid we're gonna have to... promote you.

Jerry: So, what did you say?
Elaine: Well, I called him all the way up to my office, so I had to tell him something important. So I promoted him.
Jerry: What? What did you-
Elaine: Copywriter.
Jerry: He's writing copy?
Elaine: Well, it can't be any worse than the pointless drivel we normally churn out.

Abby: My mentor says the duck is outstanding here.
Jerry: I'm not really a duck fan. The skin seems sort of human.

Abby: Hello. Jerry, this is Cynthia Pearlman, my mentor.
Jerry: Hello.
Cynthia: Hi, Jerry, nice to finally meet you.
Abby: Well, come join us. We could pull up a chair.
Cynthia: Great, my boyfriend's just parking the car. Actually, Jerry, you night know him, he's a comic too.
Jerry: No kidding?
Cynthia: Kenny Bania.
Jerry: [mouths] Bania?
Kenny Bania: Hey, Jerry! How's it going?! You gonna join us for dinner? The duck here's the best. The best, Jerry.