‘The Bookstore’
Season 9, Episode 17 - Aired April 9, 1998
George is forced to a buy a book after taking it into the bathroom at a book store. Jerry sees his Uncle Leo stealing a book. Meanwhile, Elaine pretends to date a co-worker she made out with, and Kramer and Newman start a rickshaw business.
Quote from Uncle Leo
Jerry: Leo, I saw you steal.
Uncle Leo: Oh, they don't care. We all do it.
Jerry: Who, criminals?
Uncle Leo: Senior citizens. No big deal.
Jerry: You could get arrested.
Uncle Leo: Arrested? Come on! I'm an old man. I'm confused! I thought I paid for it. What's my name? Could you take me home?
Jerry: Leo.
Uncle Leo: All right, all right. Mr. Goody Two-Shoes. You made your point.
Jerry: Thank you.
Uncle Leo: Will somebody answer that damn phone?!
Quote from George
George: Yes, I, uh, I need to return this book.
Cashier: I'm sorry, we can't take this book back.
George: Why not?
Cashier: It's been flagged.
George: Flagged?
Cashier: It's been in the bathroom.
George: It says that on the computer?
Cashier: Please take it home. We don't want it near the other books.
George: Well, you just lost a lot of business! Because I love to read!
Quote from Helen Seinfeld
Jerry: [on the phone] Mom, I didn't rat out Uncle Leo. I just wanted the guard to scare him straight.
Helen Seinfeld: Jerry, he won't last a day in prison.
Jerry: [scoffs] Prison. I'm sure it's just a fine.
Morty Seinfeld: She's got priors.
Jerry: Prior convictions? Leo?
Helen Seinfeld: It was a crime of passion. Leave it alone.
Quote from Helen Seinfeld
Morty Seinfeld: Besides, it's not stealing if it's something you need.
Jerry: What does that mean?
Helen Seinfeld: Nobody pays for everything.
Jerry: You're stealing too?!
Morty Seinfeld: Nothing. Batteries. Well, they wear out so quick.
Jerry: Mom, you too?
Helen Seinfeld: Sometimes your father forgets, so I have to steal them.
Quote from George
George: Well, I've been to every Brentano's. This thing's flagged in every database in town.
Jerry: Is it so horrible to have to keep a book?
George: I don't understand what the big deal is. They let you try on pants.
Jerry: Not underpants.
Quote from J. Peterman
Elaine: Look, uh, Mr. Peterman, the fact is that I was planning on breaking up with Zach anyway. He was cheating on me!
J. Peterman: Damn it, Elaine, that wasn't Zach. That was the yam-yam. Now, he is going cold turkey. And you will be at his side.
Elaine: Oh. Well, you know, I had planned to uh-
J. Peterman: No buts, Elaine. Or I will strip you of your 'associate' status. Uh, P.S., the first twenty-four hours are the worst. Better bring a poncho.
Quote from George
Jerry: George? What are you doing here?
George: I can't sell the book. It's been marked.
Jerry: It certainly has.
George: So, I'm gonna steal another one, and then return it. That way, everything is even.
Jerry: You defile one book, steal another, ask for your money back, and to you that's even?
George: I'm going in!
Quote from Kramer
Newman: You know, when you think about it, it's kind of silly for us both to pull this thing all t he way back uptown. I mean, after all, it is a conveyance.
Kramer: Yes, that's true.
Newman: So, which one of us is gonna pull?
Kramer: Well, there's only one way to settle this. One spot, two spot, zigzag, tear, pop-dye, penny got, tennyum, tear, harum-scarum, rip them, tear them, te, ta, toe.
Newman: Yeah.
Kramer: Best two out of three? One spot, two spot..
Quote from Kramer
Kramer: [as Jerry] So what's the deal with politics? I don't get it. Am I right, people?
Quote from Jerry
George: I read somewhere that this Brentano's is the place to meet girls in New York.
Jerry: First it was the health club, then the supermarket, now the bookstore. They could put it anywhere they want. No one's meeting anybody.