Mrs. Stevenson: So, um, you and Robert?
Elaine: Yes.
Mrs. Stevenson: Really?
Elaine: Yes, indeedy.
Mr. Stevenson: I'm surprised.
Elaine: Really. Why?
Mrs. Stevenson: No reason.
Elaine: Well, believe me, this didn't happen overnight. Robert's not exactly a one woman man, if you know what I mean. No sirree Bob. Sure, I mean in a lot of ways, he's a typical guy. He likes his sports. But he counters that side with the side you see here tonight at the ballet, or the pleasure he gets in watching Ms. Liza Minelli belt out a few choice numbers. It's those two halves of his personality that just come together to make him the very special guy that he is.

Elaine: We just got along so great.
Jerry: Of course you did. Everyone gets along great when there's no possibility of sex.
Elaine: No, no, no, I sensed something. I did sense something. I perceived a possibility Jerry.
Jerry: You realize you're venturing into uncharted waters.
Elaine: I realize that.
Jerry: Are you that desperate?
Elaine: Yes, I am.

Jerry: What's that?
Cathy: A polygraph. It's what you civilians call a lie detector test.
Jerry: Oh. Let me ask you, when someone is lying, is it true that their pants are actually on fire?
Cathy: If I could tell you the famous faces that have been up here.
Jerry: Get out.
Cathy: A certain cast member of Melrose Place.
Jerry: Really.
Cathy: Have you ever seen the show?
Jerry: No.
Cathy: You can admit it, Jerry. It's okay.
Jerry: I admit it. I don't watch it.
Cathy: Hey, Lou, maybe we should put him on the poly.
Jerry: The poly?
Cathy: Yeah. I think you've seen it.

Elaine: Melrose Place?
Jerry: Yes. Melrose Place.
Elaine: I just didn't know you watched that.
Jerry: Well, I do.
Elaine: I mean, every time I mention it you never say anything or join in the conversation.
Jerry: Well, maybe I was a little embarrassed.
Elaine: You mean this whole time we could have been discussing Sydney and Michael and Jane...
Jerry: And Billy and Jake and Allison. Yes, we could have discussed it.
Elaine: Why? Why were you so embarrassed?

Jerry: The point is, I'm going to be taking this lie detector test and that needle's going to be going wild.
Elaine: That is so stupid. Why don't you just confess?
Jerry: It's too stupid to confess. Look at what I'm confessing to.
Elaine: Well, what are you going to do?
Jerry: I don't know. Maybe I can beat the machine.
Elaine: Oh, who do you think you are? Costanza?
Jerry: Hey, you know what? I have access to one of the most deceitful, duplicitous, deceptive minds of our time. Who better to advise me?

Jerry: Hey, there he is. So what happened? Could she detect it?
George: That's an interesting question.
Jerry: How so?
George: How so? I'll tell you how so. She's bald!
Elaine: What do you mean, "bald"?
George: What do you think I mean bald? Bald. Bald bald.
Jerry: She's bald?
George: She's bald, Jerry.
Elaine: Oh, come on.
George: Oh come on? No come on. She took off her hat and there she was! Hello! It was like I was looking at myself in the mirror.

George: You fixed me up with a bald woman.
Kramer: [flinches] Bald?
George: Yeah, that's right.
Elaine: Do you see the irony here? You're rejecting somebody because they're bald.
George: So?
Elaine: You're bald!
George: No, I'm not. I was bald.

George: I tell you, when she threw that toupee out the window, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I feel like my old self again. Totally inadequate, completely insecure, paranoid, neurotic, it's a pleasure.
Jerry: Good to have you back.
George: And you know what else I've decided to do? I'm going to keep seeing the bald woman.
Jerry: She's as good as anybody else.
George: Her scalp was clean. She had a nice skull. There just wasn't a lot of hair on it.
Jerry: Yeah, you've had like a religious awakening. You're like a bald-again.

Elaine: Well, maybe she got a haircut or something.
George: Let me tell you something. No one walks into a beauty parlor and says "Give me the Larry Fine."

Jerry: Look at you. Why don't you use a fork? You're no good with the sticks.
Elaine: I know. I need a lesson.
Jerry: You stink. You know you stink.