
‘The Baby Shower’
Season 2, Episode 10 - Aired May 16, 1991
Kramer talks Jerry into getting an illegal cable hook-up. Meanwhile, Elaine hosts a baby shower at Jerry's apartment for a woman who once went out with George.
Quote from George
Jerry: Red shirt! Red shirt! That's the red shirt!
George: What are you talking about?
Jerry: You're wearing the chocolate shirt!
George: I am? What a strange coincidence..
Jerry: A-ha! Nice try, my friend, but you gotta get up pretty early in the morning..
George: You gotta let me go over there.
Jerry: What are you gonna do? Badger a pregnant woman at her own baby shower?! What are you, gonna take it off and make her rinse it in club soda?
George: No, I'm gonna hold it under her nose so she can smell the scent of stale Bosco that I had to live with for three years, and I'm gonna say, "Remember this shirt, baby?! Well, now, it's payback time!"
Quote from George
Jerry: And what if we go up there? What are you going to say to her?
George: What am I going to say?!
Jerry: Yeah.
George: What did you go out with me for? Just to dump chocolate on my shirt and then just dump me altogether? I don't deserve that kind of treatment! What, you don't have the common courtesy to return my calls? To apologize? You think I'm some sort of a loser, that likes to be abused and ignored? Whose shirt can be ruined without financial restitution? Some sort of a masochist who enjoys being humiliated? You think you can avoid me, [chuckles] like I have some sort of disease?! You have the disease! You have the disease! You may be beautiful and rich and physically, just unbelievable, but you sicken me! You disgust me! You and everyone like you!
Jerry: You'll never say that to her face.
George: Watch me.
Quote from Jerry
Mary: Jerry?!
Jerry: I'm sorry, I..
Mary: Mary Contardi. No? Doesn't ring a bell, Jerry? We had a date, three years ago. You took me to one of your shows.
Jerry: [stammering] Oh, I, I, think I remember..
Mary: Told me you had a great time! Said you'd call me the next day.
Jerry: Well, I'm sure I meant to call. I probably just lost your-
Mary: Liar! Liar! You were never going to call me! You thought you could waltz through the rest of your life and never bump into me again! But you were wrong, Jerry! You were wrong! What do you think, I'm some sort of poor, pathetic wretch?!
Jerry: No, I don't think that.
Mary: Some person who could be dismissed and ignored?! Some insignificant piece of dust?! Some person who doesn't deserve your respect and your attention?! Well, you're the one that doesn't deserve my respect and my attention! You're the insignificant piece of dust!
George: [to Leslie] Actually, I never had any formal training. I guess I'd be better suited for improvs, or something..
[As she storms out, Mary bumps into Leslie, pushing her chocolate cake onto George's shirt]
Leslie: Thanks a lot.
Quote from Elaine
Elaine: Why can't I meet a Kennedy? I saw John Jr. once downtown. I was on a bus. I hit the... ding. But it didn't stop.
Quote from George
George: She's pregnant? Leslie is pregnant?! Oh, see, there is no justice.
Jerry: She's the performance artist, right?
George: Yeah, performance artist. She's a real performer. A real trooper.
Quote from Jerry
Jerry: What's her husband's name, again? Chip? Kip? Skip?
Elaine: Todd.
Jerry: Todd. Oh, yeah. [to George] He's a Kennedy.
Elaine: No, he's not.
Jerry: Come on. He's a third cousin, or something.
Elaine: By marriage.
Jerry: Oh, by marriage. [to George] We went to their wedding. You should have heard him talking about Chappaquiddick. Tried to blame the whole thing on bad directions.
Quote from George
George: That woman was unequivocally the worst date of my life.
Elaine: Oh, pardon me for trying to set you up with a beautiful, intelligent woman.
George: What, you don't think I can attract beautiful, intelligent women?
Jerry: Thin ice, George, very thin ice.
George: Maybe for her new performance piece she'll give birth on stage.
Elaine: She stopped performing.
George: Oh, what a huge blow to the culture.
Jerry: You believe this guy? He holds a grudge like Khomeini.
Quote from Kramer
Kramer: What are you doing this for? Look at you.
Jerry: Quiet. I'm trying to get a picture.
Kramer: But you don't have to do this! This guy is waiting in my house.
Jerry: Leave me alone.
Kramer: It's a one-time fee. A hundred and fifty bucks. Why live like this?!
Jerry: I'm not getting illegal cable!
Kramer: Oh, so what are you gonna do? You gonna wait for the cable companies to resolve their dispute? They're gonna be in court for years.
Jerry: No, I read in the paper.
Kramer: Oh, oh, the paper!
Quote from Kramer
Kramer: Look, will you at least let me bring the guy over? He's an amazing man. He's a Russian immigrant. He escaped from the Gulag. He's like the Sakharov of cable guys. He'll slow down your gas meter. He sells slugs, Jerry. Slugs for the subway.
Jerry: A real human-rights nut, huh?
Kramer: Yeah. He's intense, man.
Jerry: I don't know. What if I get caught?
Kramer: Oh, you're not gonna get caught. Look, let me get him. Man, it's the '90s. It's Hammer time! Come on, just let me get him.
Quote from Kramer
Kramer: No problem. Yeah, you'll have the whole thing installed by the time you get back.
Jerry: Nah, every time I turn on the TV, sirens are gonna go off. They're gonna track me down like a dog, I know it.
Kramer: No, no. Now, look now, Jerry. Jerry, it's no risk. I swear. The Mets have seventy-five games on cable this year.
Jerry: ... Put it in.
Kramer: You won't regret it. [sings] Jerry's gonna be a cable boy, a cable boy, a cable boy.