TV Quotes

Jerry: So where is my jacket?
Elaine: Oh, I must have left it at Jame's
Jerry: You spent the night at James's? Did we?
Elaine: Yeah, yeah, yeah. But we reversed positions so there was no funny business.
Jerry: Reversed positions?
Elaine: Yeah, you know, head to toe.
Jerry: So what? Your genitals are still lined up.
Elaine: No, because I slept with my back to him.
[The guys say nothing]

Waiter: Ready?
Holly: I'll have the porterhouse medium rare, baked potato with sour cream.
Jerry: What do you recommend besides the steak?
Waiter: The lamb chops are good.
Jerry: Anything lighter? How do you prepare the chicken?
Waiter: It's a full bird. Stuffed with ham, topped with gorganzola.
Jerry: You know what? I think I'll just have the salad.
Waiter: [gives Holly a look] Thank you.
Jerry: [inner monologue] Just a salad? Just a salad? Just a salad?

Tim Whatley: Father Curtis told me about your little joke.
Jerry: What about all your Jewish jokes?
Tim Whatley: I'm Jewish. You're not a dentist. You have no idea what my people have been through.
Jerry: The Jews?
Tim Whatley: No, the dentists. You know, we have the highest suicide rate of any profession?
Jerry: Is that why it's so hard to get an appointment?

Bryant Gumbel: Look, I'm sorry, it is just a very unusual shirt. It could be, kind of, a whole new look for you. You could put a patch over an eye. You could be the pirate comedian.
Jerry: Yeah.
Bryant Gumbel: Will you wear the puffy shirt at the..?
Jerry: Look, it's not my shirt.
Bryant Gumbel: Whose shirt is it?
Jerry: What's the difference? I agreed to wear it. It's a puffy shirt. I feel ridiculous in it. I think it's the stupidest shirt I've ever seen, to be perfectly honest with you.
Leslie: [o.s., loudly] You bastard!
Bryant Gumbel: Did you hear that?
Jerry: That I heard.