TV Quotes

Dr. Siegel: [to Roy] I just wanted to stop by to see if you had any questions about tomorrow's operation.
Kramer: Yeah, I have a question. What do you know about inter-abdominal retractors?
Dr. Siegel: Are you asking because you saw 20/20 last night?
Kramer: I sure am.
Dr. Siegel: Well, that report was about one very specific type of retractor and I can assure you we do not use that kind type of retractor in your friend's procedure.
Kramer: But you will use... a retractor.
Dr. Siegel: We have to.
Kramer: Mmm-hmm.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: You can't just have an adultery, you commit adultery. And you can't even commit adultery unless you already have a commitment. So you have to make the commitment before you can even think about committing it. There's no commit without the commit. Then, once you commit, then you can commit the adultery and then you get caught, get divorced, lose your mind and they have you committed. But, you know, some people actually cheat on the people that they're cheating with. Which is like, you know, being in a hold up and then turning to the robber next to you and going, "All right, give me everything you have, too".

Jerry: So we're going to make the post office pay for my new stereo?
Kramer: It's a write-off for them.
Jerry: How is it a write-off?
Kramer: They just write it off.
Jerry: Write it off what?
Kramer: Jerry, all these big companies, they write off everything.
Jerry: You don't even know what a write-off is.
Kramer: Do you?
Jerry: No. I don't.
Kramer: But they do. And they're the ones writing it off.

Kramer: [answers phone] Hello, and welcome to Moviefone. Brought to you by The New York Times and Hot 97. Coming to theaters this Friday: Kevin Bacon, Susan Sarandon, "You've got to get me over that mountain!" "No!" [bang, bang] "Argh" There is no place higher than... Mountain High. Rated R. If you know the name of the movie you'd like to see, press 1.
Elaine: Kramer, is that you?
Kramer: Elaine?
Elaine: Uh, what time does Chow Fun start?
Kramer: I don't know.