Jerry: All right, okay. We're in the apartment watching TV.
George: Where are you sitting?
Jerry: On the couch.
George: Next to each other?
Jerry: No, separated.
George: Time?
Jerry: About eleven.
George: Okay, go ahead.
Jerry: So she's flipping around the TV, and she gets to the naked station.
George: Oh, see, that's why I don't have cable in my house. Because of that naked station. If I had that in my house, I would never turn it off. I wouldn't sleep, I wouldn't eat. Eventually, firemen would have to break through the door, they'd find me sitting there in my pajamas with drool coming down my face.

George: What about jewelry? That's a nice birthday gift.
Jerry: No, no. I have to be very careful here. I don't want to send the wrong message. Especially after the other night.
George: Maybe I'll get her some jewelry.
Jerry: No, no. You can't get her anything better than me. Whatever I spend, you have to spend half.
George: What am I supposed to get, a bazooka?
Jerry: You don't understand. I'm in a very delicate position. Whatever I give her, she's going to be bringing in experts from all over the country to interpret the meaning behind it.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Why is commitment such a big problem for a man? I think that for some reason... When a man is driving down that freeway, the woman he's involved with is like an exit. But he doesn't want to get out. He wants to keep driving. And the woman is, like, "Look. Gas, food, lodging. That's our exit. That's everything we need to be happy. Get out, here, now!" But the man is focusing on the sign underneath which says, "Next exit, 27 miles." And he thinks, "I can make it."