George: I have an idea.
Jerry: Yeah?
George: I show up.
Jerry: What do you mean you show up?
George: I show up. I pretend I have the job. The guy's on vacation. If I have the job, it's fine. If I don't have the job, by the time he comes back, I'm ensconced.
Jerry: Hmm. Not bad.
George: What's the worst thing that could happen?
Jerry: Well, you'd be embarrassed and humiliated in front of a large group of people and have to walk out in shame with your tail between your legs.
George: Yeah, so?
Jerry: Yeah. I see what you mean. I forgot who I was dealing with.

Elaine: [to Jerry] You know what, you should go over there and get one to look good for my bachelor auction.
Kramer: What bachelor auction?
Elaine: Oh, it's a thing where they auction off dates with bachelors for charity.
Kramer: And you didn't ask me to do it? I could raise enough money to cure polio.
Jerry: I believe they've had a cure for polio for quite some time.
Kramer: Polio?

[stand-up:]
Jerry: The old-fashioned barbershop is, unfortunately, becoming a thing of the past. Now, what went wrong? Well, first of all, he needs a $20,000 chair to make a three dollar tip. I say, cut back on the chair, update the magazines. Why do barbers always display that license? There's no laws in hair-cutting. Except show ever customer the back of their head. That's the one law. I don't wanna see the back of my head. Why do I want to see something that I'm never gonna see at any other time? When I buy pants, two salesmen don't lift me up by the leg and go, "How do you like the crotch?" If I wanted to see everything, I would have been a fly.