Jerry Quote #788
Quote from Jerry in The Sniffing Accountant
[stand-up:]
Jerry: To me, government is basically parents for adults. Especially the IRS. The IRS is like Ward and June Cleaver. And we are all Wally and the Beaver. And your accountant is Eddie Haskill showing you all these neat tricks to get away with stuff. Which is fine, unless you get audited. Then you don't want some wise guy in a suit standing there going, "You have a very lovely officer here, sir." Because jail is the government's way of sending you to your room. And when you meet Whitey and Lumpy in the joint... There's really going to be something wrong with the Beaver.
Seinfeld Quotes
‘The Sniffing Accountant’ Quotes
Quote from Elaine
Elaine: Well, I mean if one of your close friends had a baby and I left you a message about it, I would use an exclamation point.
Jake: Well, maybe I don't use my exclamation points as haphazardly as you do.
Elaine: You don't think that someone having a baby warrants an exclamation point.
Jake: Hey, I just chalked down the message. I didn't know I was required to capture the mood of each caller.
Elaine: I just thought you would be a little more excited about a friend of mine having a baby.
Jake: Okay, I'm excited. I just don't happen to like exclamation points.
Elaine: Well, you know Jake, you should learn to use them. Like the way I'm talking right now, I would put an exclamation points at the end of all these sentences! On this one! And on that one!
Jake: Well, you can put one on this one: I'm leaving!
Quote from Elaine
Elaine: You wanted to see me, Mr. Lippman?
Mr. Lippman: I was just going over the Jake Jarmel book and I understand you worked with him very closely.
Elaine: Yes. Yes, I did.
Mr. Lippman: And, anyway I was just reading your final edit. Um, there seems to be an inordinate number of exclamation points.
Elaine: Well, I felt that the writing lacked certain emotion and intensity.
Mr. Lippman: Ah. Hmm. "It was damp and chilly afternoon, so I decided to put on my sweatshirt!"
Elaine: Right, well.
Mr. Lippman: You put exclamation point after sweatshirt?
Elaine: That's that's correct. I-I felt that the character doesn't like to be ch-ch-chilly.
Mr. Lippman: I see. "I pulled the lever on the machine, but the Clark bar didn't come out!" Again, exclamation point.
Elaine: Well, yeah. You know how frustrating that can be when you keep putting quarters and quarters in to machine and then nothing comes out...
Mr. Lippman: Get rid of the exclamation points. I hate exclamation points.
Quote from Kramer
Kramer: I'll have a brewski, Charlie.
Bartender: Name's Mitch.
Kramer: Oh, there's nothing like a cold one after a long day, huh?
Barry: Yeah.
Kramer: Oh, yeah. I've been known to drink a beer or two. But then again, I've been known to do a lot of things.
[A waitress walks by and lifts the bar counter door, hitting Kramer in the face. He shuffles over, closer to Barry]
Kramer: Cigarette?
Barry: No, no. I never touch them.
Kramer: Well, I suck 'em down like Coca-Cola. Well here's to feeling good all the time.
[Kramer smokes the cigarette and drinks the beer at the same time]
Barry: [sniffs]
Kramer: Looks like you've got yourself a little cold there, huh, fella?
Barry: I don't think so.
Kramer: Me neither.
[Kramer smokes the wrong end of the cigarette]