[stand-up:]
Jerry: What's amazing to me about the library is that here's a place where you go in, you can take out any book you want, they just give it to you and say bring it back when you're done. It reminds me of, like, this pathetic friend that everybody had when they were a little kid who would let you borrow any of his stuff if you would just be his friend, you know. That's what the library is. A government-funded pathetic friend. And that's why everybody kind of bullies the library. I'll bring it back on time, I'll bring it back late. Oh, what are you going to do? Charge me a nickel?

Jerry: Oh, I'm glad you're here, so we can get this all straightened out. Would you like a cup of tea?
Lt. Bookman: You got any coffee?
Jerry: Coffee?
Lt. Bookman: Yeah, coffee.
Jerry: No, I don't drink coffee.
Lt. Bookman: Yeah, you don't drink coffee? How about instant coffee?
Jerry: No, I don't have-
Lt. Bookman: You don't have any instant coffee?
Jerry: Well, I don't normally-
Lt. Bookman: Who doesn't have instant coffee?
Jerry: I don't.
Lt. Bookman: You buy a jar of Folger's Crystals, you put it in the cupboard, you forget about it. Then later on when you need it, it's there. It lasts forever. It's freeze-dried. Freeze-dried crystals.
Jerry: Really? I'll have to remember that.

Elaine: Boys are sick.
Jerry: Well, what do girls do?
Elaine: We just tease some one 'til they develop an eating disorder.