[stand-up:]
Jerry: On my block, a lot of people walk their dogs, and I always see them walking along with their little poop bags, which to me is just the lowest function of human life. If aliens are watching this through telescopes, they're gonna think the dogs are the leaders. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume was in charge?

[stand-up:]
Jerry: So I'm on the plane, we left late. Pilot says we're going to be making up some time in the air. Well, I thought, well isn't that interesting. We'll just make up time. That's why you have to reset your watch when you land. Of course, when they say they're making up time, obviously they're increasing the speed of the aircraft. Now, my question is, if you can go faster, why don't you just go as fast as you can all the time? Come on, there's no cops up here, nail it. Give it some gas! We're flying!

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I had a parakeet when I was a kid. That was the only pet that I really enjoyed. We used to let him out of his cage, and he would fly around. And my mother had built, one entire wall of our living room was mirrored. She felt this gives you a feeling of space. Have you ever heard this interior design principle that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? What kind of a jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, "Hey look, there's a whole nother room in there. There's a guy in there looks just like me." But the parakeet will fall for this. You let him out of his cage, he flies around the room, bang! With his little head, he would just go... Oh! And I'd always think, even if he thinks the mirror is another room, why doesn't he at least try to avoid hitting the other parakeet?