[stand-up:]
Jerry: Whenever I see the news and they're hauling in some criminal, terrorist, psycho, maniac, mass-murder guy. You ever notice he's always covering up his face with the newspaper, with the jacket, with the hat? What is he worried about? I mean, what is this man's reputation that he has to worry about this kind of exposure damaging his good name? I mean, what, what is he up for a big job promotion down at the office or something? Afraid the boss is going to catch this on TV and go, "Isn't that Johnson from sales? He's up in the clock tower, picking people off one by one. I don't know if that's the kind of man we want heading up that new branch office. He should be in bill collection. I think he's got aptitude."

[stand-up:]
Jerry: People like the idea of revenge. You ever hear the expression, "The best revenge is living well"? I've said this. In other words, it means, supposedly, the best way of getting back at someone, is being happy and successful in your own live. Sounds nice. Doesn't really work on that Charles Bronson kind of level, you know what I mean? Those movies where his whole family just gets wiped out by some street scum. You think you could go up to him, "Charlie, forget the .357. What you need is a custom-made suit and a convertible. New carpeting, French doors, a divan. That'll show those punks.

[stand-up:]
Jerry: To me, the most annoying thing about the couple of times that I did work in an office, is that when you go in on a morning, you say "hi" to everyone, and then, for some reason, throughout the day, you have to continue to greet these people all day, every time you see them. I mean, you walk in on the morning, "Morning, BIll." "Morning, Bob." "How you doing?" "Fine." Ten minutes later, you see them in the hall, "Hey. How you doing?" Every time you pass, you got to come up with a little greeting. You know, you start racking your brains. You know, you do the little eyebrow. You start coming up with nicknames for them, you know, "Jimbo."