[stand-up]
Jerry: One of the problems in life is that when you're a kid, you have a certain way of working out disagreements. And those laws do not work in the adult world. One of the main way that kids resolve any dispute is by calling it. One of them says, "I got the front seat" "I wanted the front seat!" "I called it". And the other kid knows he's got nothing to say. "He called it, what can I do?". If there was a kid court of law, it holds up. "Your Honor, my client did ask for the front seat." And the judge would go, "Did he call it?" "Well, no, he didn't call..." Bang. "He has to call it, case closed. Objection overruled".

George: I love the mirror in that bathroom! I don't know what in the hell it is, I look terrific in that mirror. [sits down] I don't know if it's the tile or the lighting, I feel like Robert Wagner.
Jerry: It's a good mirror.
Jerry: So, what are you gettin'?
George: I don't know. What can you eat? You can't have anything anymore. Look at this. Look at this. Eggs, out. Coffee, out. French fries, out. BLT, out! I go to visit my grandparents, they're eating big brisket sandwiches, I'm sittin' here with a carrot! They're closing in on a hundred, I'm sayin' to them: "How can you eat that stuff?!"

[stand-up:]
Jerry: I got ripped off for about the 18th time? And now, the first couple a times you go through it, it's very upsetting and your first reaction or one of your friends will say: "Call the police. You really should call the police." So you think to yourself, you know, you watch TV, you think: "Yeah, I'm calling the police. Stakeouts, manhunts... I'm gonna see some real action." Right? You think that. So, the police come over to your house, they fill out the report. They give you your copy. Now, unless they give the crook his copy, I don't really think we're gonna crack this case, do you? It's not like Batman, where there's three crooks in the city and everybody pretty much knows, who they are. Very few crooks even go to the trouble to come up with a theme for their careers anymore. It makes them a lot tougher to spot. "Did you lose a Sony? It could be the Penguin. I think we can round him up, he's dressed like a penguin! We can find him, he's a penguin!