Jackie Chiles: You put the balm on? Who told you to put the balm on? I didn't tell you to put the balm on. Why'd you put the balm on? You haven't even been to see the doctor. If you're gonna put a balm on, let a doctor put a balm on.
Kramer: I guess I screwed up, Jackie?
Jackie Chiles: You're damn right you screwed up. Where the hell did you get that damn balm from anyway?
Kramer: The Maestro.
Jackie Chiles: The who? What are you talking about, Maestro?
Kramer: My friend. He's a conductor.
Jackie Chiles: Oh, oh. So a Maestro tells you to put a balm on and you do it?
Kramer: Well my stomach was burning.
Jackie Chiles: I tell you what this is. This is a public humiliation.
Kramer: Well, I didn't know the balm was gonna work.
Jackie Chiles: Do you know what a balm is? Have you ever seen a balm? Didn't you read the instructions?
Kramer: Well I ...
Jackie Chiles: [interrupts] No one can tell what a balm's gonna do. They're unpredictable.

Jackie Chiles: "I'll take it"? "I'll take it"? Who told you to take it? Did I tell you to take it?
Kramer: No.
Jackie Chiles: I know the Maestro didn't tell you to take it. He wasn't there.
Kramer: Well, I thought we were lucky to get anything.
Jackie Chiles: Free coffee?
Kramer: Yeah.
Jackie Chiles: I don't want free coffee. It's not hard to get coffee. I can get my own damn coffee. I wanted to hear what came after that "plus".
Kramer: Well, I didn't hear any Plus.
Jackie Chiles: Twenty years practicing law I've never experienced anything like this.
Kramer: Look, Java World. [to the cabbie] Hey, listen, I'm gonna get out here. I'm gonna get myself a free cafe latte.

Jackie Chiles: Your honor, we request at this time, that Miss Mishke try on the bra.
Judge: This court will come to order. Go ahead, Miss Mishke, try it on.
[Sue Ellen attempts to put the bra on over her top, but it's too small]
Sue Ellen: It doesn't fit. I can't put it on.
Jackie Chiles: [to Kramer and Stan] Damn fools! Look at that! We got nothing now! Nothing! I've been practicing law for 25 years, you're listening to a caddy! This is a public humiliation! You can't let the defendant have control of the key piece of evidence. Plus, she's trying it on over a leotard. Of course a bra's not gonna fit on over a leotard. A bra gotta fit right up a person's skin. Like a glove!

Connie: [on phone] You gotta meet me at the police station. They're arresting me for attempted murder.
Jackie Chiles: Attempted murder? Of whom?
Connie: This guy, Kramer.
Jackie Chiles: Oh. Cosmo Kramer?
Connie: Yeah, that's right.
Jackie Chiles: I don't want nothing to do with it. [hangs up]

Jackie Chiles: Miss Wilkie, your tobacco company has turned this beautiful specimen, into a horrible twisted freak.
Kramer: Who could love me?
Wilkie: I disagree. In fact, I feel Mr. Kramer projects a rugged masculinity.
Jackie Chiles: Rugged? The man's a goblin. He's only been exposed to smoke for four days. By the time this case gets to trial, he'll be nothing more than a shrunken head.
Wilkie: All right, Mr. Chiles. You'll have our offer by tomorrow. Good day, gentlemen. [exits]
Kramer: Yeah, bye-bye. Jackie, you did it. We're rich.
Jackie Chiles: You better believe it. Jackie's cashing in on your wretched disfigurement.

D.A. Hoyt: Call Yev Kassem to the stand.
Bailiff: Call Yev Kassem.
Jerry: Who?
Elaine: The Soup Nazi!
Jackie Chiles: Soup Nazi? You people have a little pet name for everybody.

Sidra: Come on, Jackie. Let's go.
Jerry: What?
Jackie Chiles: Oh, and by the way, they're real, and they're spectacular.

Kramer: Well, I was trying to get to my seat and I had to step over someone and I kind of got pushed and it spilled on me.
Jackie Chiles: Was there a top on it?
Kramer: Yeah.
Jackie Chiles: Now, did you put the top on or did they put the top on for you?
Kramer: No. They put the top on.
Jackie Chiles: And they made the top. You didn't make the top did you? [over intercom] Suzie. I want you to go down to Java World. Get me a caffe latte with a top. We're gonna run some test on that top.

Jackie Chiles: Have you been to the doctor?
Kramer: Uh, no. No, I haven't.
Jackie Chiles: [over intercom] Suzie. Call Dr. Bison. Set up an appointment for Mr. Kramer here. Tell him it's from me.
Kramer: So, uh, what do you think Mr. Chiles?
Jackie Chiles: Jackie.
Kramer: Jackie. I mean, we got a chance?
Jackie Chiles: Do we have a chance? You get me one coffee drinker on that jury, you gonna walk outta there a rich man.

Kramer: That was a great lunch, Jackie. Thanks.
Jackie Chiles: It's a little puzzling we haven't gotten that offer yet.
Kramer: Well, Mrs. Wilkie, from the tobacco company called me. We had a little powwow.
Jackie Chiles: A powwow? Who told you to have a powwow? I didn't tell you to have powwow.
Kramer: She made an offer. I took it.
Jackie Chiles: How much?
Kramer: No, no, no. There was no money.
Jackie Chiles: No money? Then what'd we get?
Kramer: Check it out.
[Kramer features on a cigarette billboard]
Jackie Chiles: This is the most public yet of my many humiliations.