Elaine: Mr. Peterman, thanks for having me over. Your place isn't quite what I imagined.
J. Peterman: Oh, it's just a place to flop.
Elaine: Well, what part of your life do you want to start with? Foreign intrigue? Exotic romances?
J. Peterman: Oh, Elaine, we've covered all of that in the catalog ad nauseum. No, I would like this book to be about my day-to-day life.
Elaine: Oh.
J. Peterman: [turns on TV] Oh, damn. They changed the cable stations again. Just when I finally memorized them.

Elaine: Mr. Peterman, you wanted to see me?
J. Peterman: Apparently Peggy down in Design got into a little bit of a tiff yesterday with somebody named Susie.
Elaine: Susie.
J. Peterman: Yes. And between you, me and the lamppost, and the desk... Peggy says this Suz isn't much of a worker.
Elaine: It's Susie.
J. Peterman: Nevertheless, Elaine, the house of Peterman is in disorder. First thing tomorrow morning, I wanna see you, Peggy and Susie right here in my office.
Elaine: All of us?

J. Peterman: Flash of lightning, Elaine. I just realized why I like this cartoon so much.
Elaine: Oh, do tell, sir.
J. Peterman: It's a "Ziggy."
Elaine: A "Ziggy"?
J. Peterman: That irreverence. That wit. I'd recognize it anywhere. Some charlatan has stolen a "Ziggy" and passed it off as his own and I can prove it. Quick, Elaine, to my archives.

Elaine: Look, uh, Mr. Peterman, the fact is that I was planning on breaking up with Zach anyway. He was cheating on me!
J. Peterman: Damn it, Elaine, that wasn't Zach. That was the yam-yam. Now, he is going cold turkey. And you will be at his side.
Elaine: Oh. Well, you know, I had planned to uh-
J. Peterman: No buts, Elaine. Or I will strip you of your 'associate' status. Uh, P.S., the first twenty-four hours are the worst. Better bring a poncho.

J. Peterman: [sings] Get well, get well soon we wish you to get well. [laughs, speaking:] Oh, what a stirring little anthem of wellness. Elaine.
Elaine: Mr. Peterman, um-
J. Peterman: We missed you at the get well party. Poor old Walt has a polyp in the duodenum. It's benign, but, oh, still a bastard.
J. Peterman: Oh, Elaine, can you keep a secret?
Elaine: No, sir, I can't.
J. Peterman: Inside that small college boy minifridge is my latest acquisition. A slice of cake from the wedding of King Edward VIII to Wallis Simpson, circa 1937, price $29,000.

J. Peterman: All right, people, I'd like to begin with a hearty hail and well-met good fellow, to Bob Grossberg, who's joining us from Business Affairs.
Bob: Thanks. Hi everybody.
J. Peterman: Bob, we have a little baptism by fire for you, so to speak.
Elaine: [whispers to a colleague] Poor bastard.
J. Peterman: [to Bob] I want you to handle all the fact-checking and the copy-editing for the new catalog.
Bob: [points to hearing aid] Ah, could you repeat that?
J. Peterman: [slowly and loudly] Why don't you handle all the copy-editing?
Bob: I... I'm sorry. What?
J. Peterman: [louder still] Copy-editing! Eh, never mind. Elaine, you do it.

Dugan: "So I pressed through the rushes, there below me, the shimmering waters of Lake Victoria..."
J. Peterman: Oh, for the love of God, man! Just tell me what the product is.
Dugan: It's a, uh, washcloth.
J. Peterman: No washcloths!

J. Peterman: Another productive meeting. By the way, I saw that English Patient film last night. It was extraordinary.
Dugan: Oh, yes. It was so romantic. It ravished me. [exits]
J. Peterman: Elaine, what'd you think?
Elaine: [hesitant] Well, uh, actually, I haven't seen it... so I couldn't tell you whether I liked it, or whether it really sucked.
J. Peterman: You haven't seen it?
Elaine: No.
J. Peterman: That's it! Drop everything. We're going right now.

J. Peterman: And I thought I knew what love was.
Elaine: Yuh.

J. Peterman: My friends, a toast. As the woolly-haired Melanasians of Papua, New Guinea once said, [clicking and popping sounds]. [music starts] All right! Who's dancing? No one? All right, I'll just have to get things started.