Jerry: [on the phone] Mom, I didn't rat out Uncle Leo. I just wanted the guard to scare him straight.
Helen Seinfeld: Jerry, he won't last a day in prison.
Jerry: [scoffs] Prison. I'm sure it's just a fine.
Morty Seinfeld: She's got priors.
Jerry: Prior convictions? Leo?
Helen Seinfeld: It was a crime of passion. Leave it alone.

Morty Seinfeld: Besides, it's not stealing if it's something you need.
Jerry: What does that mean?
Helen Seinfeld: Nobody pays for everything.
Jerry: You're stealing too?!
Morty Seinfeld: Nothing. Batteries. Well, they wear out so quick.
Jerry: Mom, you too?
Helen Seinfeld: Sometimes your father forgets, so I have to steal them.

Stella: This better be good. I'm missing Golden Girls for this.
Helen Seinfeld: [laughs until Stella walks away] I hate her like poison.

Morty Seinfeld: So, what are you? Afraid of her?
Jerry: Yes. Yes I am! What else did she say on the phone?
Helen Seinfeld: Whatever I wrote down.
Jerry: Yeah, but what was the tone in her voice? How did she sound?
Helen Seinfeld: Who am I, Rich Little?

Helen Seinfeld: You have so many nice jackets. I don't know why you had to bring this jacket. Who wears a jacket like this? [Morty is silent] What's wrong with that nice gray one? You have beautiful clothes. They sit in your closet. Morty, you can't wear this! [phone rings]
Morty Seinfeld: Are you getting that?
Helen Seinfeld: I thought you were getting it.
Morty Seinfeld: Should I pick up?
Helen Seinfeld: You want me to get that?
Morty Seinfeld: I'll get it!
Helen Seinfeld: I'll get it!

Morty Seinfeld: So, what took you so long?
Jerry: Uh, we waited 35 minutes in the rent-a-car place.
Helen Seinfeld: I don't know why you had to rent a car. We would have picked you up.
Jerry: What's the difference?
Helen Seinfeld: Well, you could have used our car.
Jerry: I don't wanna use your car.
Helen Seinfeld: What's wrong with our car?
Jerry: Nothing. It's a fine car. What if you wanna use it?
Helen Seinfeld: We don't use it.
Morty Seinfeld: What are you talking? We use it.
Helen Seinfeld: If you were using it, we wouldn't use it.
Jerry: So what would you do? You'd hitch?

Elaine: Ooh, you have a lake?
Jerry: The lake isn't real.
Helen Seinfeld: The lake is real.
Morty Seinfeld: Are you kidding? They built the lake.
Helen Seinfeld: But it's real. It's water.

Helen Seinfeld: Where are you going with those?
Jerry: I'm gonna put Elaine's stuff in here.
Helen Seinfeld: Don't sleep in there. You can you sleep in the bedroom.
Elaine: I can't take your bedroom.
Helen Seinfeld: I'm up at 6 o'clock in the morning.
Elaine: I can't kick you out of your bed.
Helen Seinfeld: We don't even sleep.

Jack: So Jerry, you came all the way down here for this?
Elaine: And scuba diving.
Helen Seinfeld: Scuba diving? Who's going scuba diving?
Jerry: We're going scuba diving. We'll be back in time.
Helen Seinfeld: What do you have to go scuba diving for?
Jerry: For fun.
Helen Seinfeld: For fun?

Helen Seinfeld: What'd you take his pen for?
Jerry: What? He gave it to me.
Helen Seinfeld: You didn't have to take it.
Morty Seinfeld: Oh my God! She's gotta make a big deal out of everything.
Jerry: He offered it to me.
Helen Seinfeld: Because you made such a big fuss about it.
Jerry: I liked it. Should I have said I didn't like it?
Helen Seinfeld: You shouldn't have said anything. What did you expect him to do?
Jerry: He could have said: "Thank you, I like it too." and put it back in his pocket.
Helen Seinfeld: He loves that pen.
Morty Seinfeld: Oh, come on!
Helen Seinfeld: He talks about it all the time. Every time he takes it out he goes on and on about how it writes upside down, how the astronauts use it.
Jerry: If he likes it so much, he never should have offered it.
Helen Seinfeld: He didn't think you'd accept.
Jerry: Well, he was wrong.
Helen Seinfeld: I know his wife. She has some mouth on her. She'll tell everyone in the condo now that you made him give you the pen. They're talking about it right now.