Seinfeld Quotes

Seinfeld

Seinfeld

The ultimate "show about nothing" follows comedian Jerry Seinfeld and his friends George, Elaine and Kramer.

Starring: Jerry Seinfeld, Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Michael Richards.
Original Run: 1989-1998.

Quote of the Day

Wednesday, November 25, 2020

Quote from Elaine in The Fire

Jerry: She got the promotion?
Elaine: Yep.
Jerry: Why?
Elaine: I'll tell you why. Because of her pinkie toe, that's why. Because Lippman felt so sorry for her, he didn't want to hurt her feelings.
Jerry: Too bad.
Elaine: Sure, the pinkie toe is cute! But, I mean, what is it? It's useless! It does nothing. It's got that little nail that is just impossible to cut. What do we need it for?
Jerry: Because Elaine, that's the one that goes 'wee, wee, wee all the home.'
Elaine: Why don't you just shut the f-

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Quote from Elaine in The Muffin Tops

Woman: I can't believe somebody pulled the top off of this muffin.
Elaine: That was me. I'm sorry. I don't like the stumps.
Mr. Lippman: So you just eat the tops?
Elaine: Oh, yeah. It's the best part. It's crunchy. It's explosive. It's where the muffin breaks free of the pan and sort of does its own thing. I'll tell you. That's a million dollar idea right there. Just sell the tops.

Quote from George in The Kiss Hello

George: I still don't see why I can't ask her about my arm.
Elaine: She's a physical therapist. She doesn't want to have to deal with that outside of the office.
George: Why not?
Elaine: Because it is what she does.
George: I love these people! You can't ask them questions. They're so mentally gifted that we mustn't disturb the delicate genius unless it's in the confines of an office! When huge sums of money are involved, then the delicate genius can be disturbed!
Elaine: George, you got a little something, right here.
George: [wiping face] These people think they're so important!

Quote from Kramer in The Package

Jerry: So we're going to make the post office pay for my new stereo?
Kramer: It's a write-off for them.
Jerry: How is it a write-off?
Kramer: They just write it off.
Jerry: Write it off what?
Kramer: Jerry, all these big companies, they write off everything
Jerry: You don't even know what a write-off is.
Kramer: Do you?
Jerry: No. I don't.
Kramer: But they do. And they're the ones writing it off.

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Quote from George in The Gymnast

George: Anyway, she's uh, having some kind of a family lunch, I'll swing by after.
Jerry: Oh, so you're gonna meet the mother?
George: Yeah, I'll zip in, "How do you do?", zip out. She'll love me.
Jerry: You're good with the mothers.
George: You know, I'm better with the mothers than I am with the daughters.
Jerry: Maybe you should date the mothers.
George: Well, if I could talk to the mothers and have sex with the daughters, then I'd really have something going.
Jerry: Oh, you got something going.

Quote from Jerry in The Revenge

[stand-up:]
Jerry: Whenever I see the news and they're hauling in some criminal, terrorist, psycho, maniac, mass-murder guy. You ever notice he's always covering up his face with the newspaper, with the jacket, with the hat? What is he worried about? I mean, what is this man's reputation that he has to worry about this kind of exposure damaging his good name? I mean, what, what is he up for a big job promotion down at the office or something? Afraid the boss is going to catch this on TV and go, "Isn't that Johnson from sales? He's up in the clock tower, picking people off one by one. I don't know if that's the kind of man we want heading up that new branch office. He should be in bill collection. I think he's got aptitude."

Quote from Frank Costanza in The Non-Fat Yogurt

Lloyd: Ooh! I asked Mr. Dinkins if he knew any good orthopedists, and he said he had the best. So, I made an appointment for you. Dr. Dekter.
Estelle Costanza: Mayor Dinkins got an appointment for him?
Frank Costanza: You mentioned George's name to Mayor Dinkins? You discussed George with the mayor of New York?
Estelle Costanza: Dinkins was talking about you. He was discussing you.
George: You know, Lloyd, I've been to the doctor. There's really nothing they can do.
Frank Costanza: Hey, Mayor Dinkins set this up for you. You know what kind of a doctor this must be if Dinkins knows him?
George: All right. All right. I'll go.