TV Quotes

Jerry: Where have you been? You know, you're on next.
George: I got lost on the way over.
Jerry: Got lost? We went to school here for three years.
George: What are these? [holds test tubes to his head like antennae) Take me to your leader.
Jerry: Oh, my God. You had sex! You had sex with Louise!
George: No, the Portuguese waitress.
Jerry: The Portuguese waitress?
George: I calculated my odds of ever getting together with a Portuguese waitress. Mathematically, I had to do it, Jerry.

George: I still don't see why I can't ask her about my arm.
Elaine: She's a physical therapist. She doesn't want to have to deal with that outside of the office.
George: Why not?
Elaine: Because it is what she does.
George: I love these people! You can't ask them questions. They're so mentally gifted that we mustn't disturb the delicate genius unless it's in the confines of an office! When huge sums of money are involved, then the delicate genius can be disturbed!
Elaine: George, you got a little something, right here.
George: [wiping face] These people think they're so important!

Woman: I can't believe somebody pulled the top off of this muffin.
Elaine: That was me. I'm sorry. I don't like the stumps.
Mr. Lippman: So you just eat the tops?
Elaine: Oh, yeah. It's the best part. It's crunchy. It's explosive. It's where the muffin breaks free of the pan and sort of does its own thing. I'll tell you. That's a million dollar idea right there. Just sell the tops.

Jerry: So we're going to make the post office pay for my new stereo?
Kramer: It's a write-off for them.
Jerry: How is it a write-off?
Kramer: They just write it off.
Jerry: Write it off what?
Kramer: Jerry, all these big companies, they write off everything.
Jerry: You don't even know what a write-off is.
Kramer: Do you?
Jerry: No. I don't.
Kramer: But they do. And they're the ones writing it off.

Kramer: You know, Frank can't be too comfortable with those things clanging around. He should wear something for support.
George: You mean like a bra?
Kramer: A bra is for ladies. I'm talking about a support undergarment specifically designed for men.
Jerry: Boy, that brain never stops working, does it?
Kramer: I tell you, I'm gonna go noodle with this.

George: What happened to Mrs. Krantz?
Jerry: Elaine got a new number because she died.
Kramer: Newman died?
Elaine: What did he say?
Jerry: Some new kind of pie.
George: I'll try a piece.
Kramer: All right, who's down there?
Jerry: Hey, there's a booth.
[As they all get up to move, Kramer finally spots Elaine]
Kramer: Hey, Elaine.
Elaine: Oh, hi.
Kramer: Did you hear about Newman?
Elaine: What?
Kramer: [whimpers]

Kramer: Ma?
Babs: Cosmo!
George: Cosmo?