Seinfeld Quotes

Seinfeld

Seinfeld

The ultimate "show about nothing" follows comedian Jerry Seinfeld and his friends George, Elaine and Kramer.

Starring: Jerry Seinfeld, Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Michael Richards.
Recurring Actors: Wayne Knight, Estelle Harris, Jerry Stiller, Liz Sheridan, Barney Martin, Len Lesser, Larry David, John O'Hurley, Phil Morris, Patrick Warburton, Heidi Swedberg.
Original Run: 1989-1998.

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Quote from Kramer in The Doll

Kramer: Jerry, why don't you do a bit on Styrofoam?
Jerry: Like what?
Kramer: Well, uh... [impersonate Jerry's act] "What is this stuff? Why do we need this stuff?.. And why do they make them so small..?"
Jerry: Where's the punchline?
Kramer: It's all attitude.

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Quote from Elaine in The Muffin Tops

Woman: I can't believe somebody pulled the top off of this muffin.
Elaine: That was me. I'm sorry. I don't like the stumps.
Mr. Lippman: So you just eat the tops?
Elaine: Oh, yeah. It's the best part. It's crunchy. It's explosive. It's where the muffin breaks free of the pan and sort of does its own thing. I'll tell you. That's a million dollar idea right there. Just sell the tops.

Quote from Kramer in The Package

Jerry: So we're going to make the post office pay for my new stereo?
Kramer: It's a write-off for them.
Jerry: How is it a write-off?
Kramer: They just write it off.
Jerry: Write it off what?
Kramer: Jerry, all these big companies, they write off everything.
Jerry: You don't even know what a write-off is.
Kramer: Do you?
Jerry: No. I don't.
Kramer: But they do. And they're the ones writing it off.

Quote from George in The Kiss Hello

George: I still don't see why I can't ask her about my arm.
Elaine: She's a physical therapist. She doesn't want to have to deal with that outside of the office.
George: Why not?
Elaine: Because it is what she does.
George: I love these people! You can't ask them questions. They're so mentally gifted that we mustn't disturb the delicate genius unless it's in the confines of an office! When huge sums of money are involved, then the delicate genius can be disturbed!
Elaine: George, you got a little something, right here.
George: [wiping face] These people think they're so important!

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Quote from Elaine in The Wallet

Dr. Reston: I'm sorry where were we?
Elaine: Well, I was just telling you about this other guy.
Dr. Reston: Elaine, do you remember your dream where you have a sexual encounter with a Chinese woman?
Elaine: Yeah. Yeah. [coughs] Um.
Dr. Reston: Elaine, I'm concerned about you.
Elaine: Oh, don't concern yourself with me, because I'm good. I'm very good, I mean I'm really very very good.
Dr. Reston: Elaine, have you been urinating a lot again?
Elaine: No.

Quote from Kramer in The Subway

Kramer: Oh yeah, it's all set. They got the bug boy on it.
Man: The bug boy?
Kramer: Yeah, the little fella's been riding his heart out. They're gonna break his maiden.
Man: Really? But, it's a little bit slow out there. It rained last night.
Kramer: Oh, this baby loves the slop. Loves it, eats it up. Eats the slop. Born in the slop. His father was a mudder.
Man: His father was a mudder?
Kramer: His mother was a mudder.
Man: His mother was a mudder?
Kramer: What did I just say?

Quote from Kramer in The Chinese Woman

Elaine: You got a comfort problem there?
Kramer: No, I think these Jockeys shrunk.
Elaine: I thought you wore silk underwear.
Kramer: No. Well, you know, I wore them for about a month, but I couldn't stick with it. I need the secure packaging of Jockeys. My boys need a house.
Elaine: That's nice. Listen, Kramer, you know, if you ever wanna have kids, you shouldn't wear briefs. Boxers are much better for your sperm count.
Kramer: Sperm count? Well, how many sperm should I have?
Elaine: A lot.