Seinfeld Quotes



The ultimate "show about nothing" follows comedian Jerry Seinfeld and his friends George, Elaine and Kramer.

Starring: Jerry Seinfeld, Jason Alexander, Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Michael Richards.
Recurring Actors: Wayne Knight, Estelle Harris, Jerry Stiller, Liz Sheridan, Barney Martin, Len Lesser, Larry David, John O'Hurley, Phil Morris, Patrick Warburton, Heidi Swedberg.
Original Run: 1989-1998.

Quote of the Day

Quote from George in The Apartment

Jerry: All right, this is going to require some great acting now. I have to pretend I'm disappointed. You're going to really see me being a phony, now. I hope you can take this. Maybe you should go in the other room.
George: Are you kidding?! I lie ever second of the day. My whole life is a sham!


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Quote from Elaine in The Muffin Tops

Woman: I can't believe somebody pulled the top off of this muffin.
Elaine: That was me. I'm sorry. I don't like the stumps.
Mr. Lippman: So you just eat the tops?
Elaine: Oh, yeah. It's the best part. It's crunchy. It's explosive. It's where the muffin breaks free of the pan and sort of does its own thing. I'll tell you. That's a million dollar idea right there. Just sell the tops.

Quote from Kramer in The Package

Jerry: So we're going to make the post office pay for my new stereo?
Kramer: It's a write-off for them.
Jerry: How is it a write-off?
Kramer: They just write it off.
Jerry: Write it off what?
Kramer: Jerry, all these big companies, they write off everything.
Jerry: You don't even know what a write-off is.
Kramer: Do you?
Jerry: No. I don't.
Kramer: But they do. And they're the ones writing it off.

Quote from George in The Kiss Hello

George: I still don't see why I can't ask her about my arm.
Elaine: She's a physical therapist. She doesn't want to have to deal with that outside of the office.
George: Why not?
Elaine: Because it is what she does.
George: I love these people! You can't ask them questions. They're so mentally gifted that we mustn't disturb the delicate genius unless it's in the confines of an office! When huge sums of money are involved, then the delicate genius can be disturbed!
Elaine: George, you got a little something, right here.
George: [wiping face] These people think they're so important!

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Quote from Frank Costanza in The Fatigues

Estelle Costanza: Here's your omelet.
Frank Costanza: It's dry.
Estelle Costanza: That's the way I always make it.
Frank Costanza: Well, it sucks.
Estelle Costanza: What did you say?
Frank Costanza: Your meatloaf is mushy, your salmon croquettes are oily and your eggplant parmesan is a disgrace to this house!
Estelle Costanza: Well, that's too bad, because I'm the only one who cooks around here!
Frank Costanza: Not any more! Gimme that spatula! [cracks egg] I'm back, baby!

Quote from Jerry in The Cigar Store Indian

Jerry: I was always excited as a kid, when that new TV Guide would come. Somehow when that front cover's nice and flat, seems like there's good fresh TV shows in. Then, as the weeks go by you start to hate the TV Guide. All the shows stink. Everything's getting all crumpled and ripped from being sat on, thrown across the room. TV Guide is always thrown, never handed, to another person. It's the world's most thrown reading material. "Where's the TV Guide?" [mimes throwing] "There it is." You know, on the back of the TV Guide, they have a phone number, ninety-five cents a minute, they will give you the answers to the TV Guide crossword puzzle? My question is, if you can't do the TV Guide crossword puzzle, where are you coming across ninety-five cents?

Quote from George in The Stall

George: All right! Rock climbing! Just the two of us? All right. All right. Hey, I'll make some sandwiches. What do you like? Tuna, peanut butter?
Tony: Whatever.
George: All right. I gotta buy some bread.
Tony: You know, I am definitely down for some rock climbing.
George: Yeah, me too. I am down. I am totally down. Mark me down. Cool.
Tony: So, what do you say we climb a rock manana?
George: Manana. Manana might be a problem. I'm supposed to... have a boil lanced manana. You know, I think they charge me if I cancel with only one manana's notice.