Lady: Hey, you coming up to the third floor today?
Janitor: No, I am not cleaning the third floor this month. I'm sending a message: You steal a man's sandwich off his cart, you stew in your own filth.
Lady: Sweetie, I took that sandwich.
Janitor: Well, I can't change my mind now. I'll look like a flip-flopper.

Denise: I don't know why I keep jumping into bed with him. My confidence is shot from screwing up that spinal tap last week, and then yesterday, I misdiagnosed an ectopic pregnancy. I don't know. Maybe I wanted to do something I knew I could do right, like banging a dude. I'm a giant ho-bag.
Elliot: No, no, you are not! So, is Derek a good guy?
Denise: Derek? I thought it was "Eric".

Turk: Nice pull, Denise. That kid is so fine, he's actually made a couple of guest appearances up in here.
Elliot: Me, too. I've got this one scenario, where he and I are walking down a dark alley, and J.D. is a mugger who jumps out with a knife. Derek used to be the mugger, but then I thought that was a little racially insensitive. Anyway, there's a scuffle. I wind up with the knife. So at first, I force them both to pleasure me. But then it takes a left turn and I go on a killing spree. Eh, I know it's a little weird, but we all have our little tricks to help us climax, right?
Carla: Elliot Reid, two years therapy-free!
Elliot: I don't need it anymore.